Dear God
Recently this new job that you have given me is proving to be too difficult for my own capabilities.
What is this new responsibility of a leader that you require of me? Why is it so large and yet I am so small? What are you trying to show here? All glory do I give to you, I regard not all my ways and always have been diligently seeking your delightful plan day by day. Day by day I strive to find joy and fulfillment in you as I pursue what I believe to be your purpose.
Oh dear God. I have always prayed show me your desire and your will. Help me love it, help me desire it, and help me do it. Why is it now that you have helped me desire it, but not help me love it or do it.
as a leader.. what do I do? what do I say? All these lines to juggle. so much to watch out for. Tangibles.. Intangibles...
Day and night I kneel before you seeking you for guidance. Day and night I stand before you providing an account of the people you left into my care. All I have desired have never been personal gain. All have been in the interest of you. I personally have stood in the face of my own personal desires and renounce them. Yet why God after I have sacrifice so much, you reward me with little?
The delights my heart desires. Have I not renounced them so I could obtain your pleasing will? Yet why do you prosper my enemies. Bring delightful women into their lives. Bring failure into my life. Shame to my face. And have my enemies mock me? My enemies laugh at your clause. They mock your ways! While I have never left you. Look at them laugh at me while I worship you. Look at them laugh at me when I practice your law. They stand before me asking where are you. Where is your God. Why would he care. They question your hate for sin! They question your desire for diligence! They have their head held high above the ground and in the sky! Oh lord look how they prosper!
Speak o God. Tell me where displeases you with the job I have done. Tell me what better results could have been produced given the current capabilities that you have given me. Have me listen, and I will repent! Have me hear, for I am not deaf. Here you find me on my knees desiring only for you. Rebuke me so I can see what your delightful plan is! .....
......
So that I do not remain blind and deaf
I guess it all goes back to the same old question at the end of the day. God.. Where do you want me to be. What do you want me to be. How do you want me to be.
And what will you have me do now?
If you will have it be that I am the elected leader of appointment ordained by you, then don't leave me here. I don't know what to do. I don't know who is for me, and who is not. I know I long for a partner so badly already for I see so much insufficiency in myself but yet so much that requires detailed, delicate full attention. Still you require that I find fullness in you. Neither has your calling ever lessen. You will not hear of it that your plans be short changed. You will never bear it that I do not fulfill a single task of your glorious plan. For you know that your ways alone can prosper me. Your ways alone brings life and without you I am doom.
When all forsake me o God, where will you be?
Dear God I need you
your distressed servant
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
heart
One of the hardest things to guard. I always dread my heart. Making me cannot sleep at wee hours in the night. My biggest and most common cry is expressed in the song "still". How I wish at times, I can just shut my head in and not think of anything else but what I need to be thinking off. Then again... what I need can be a very subjective thing to my own knowledge for I am not infinite to know what I really need. So frustrating this walk of not knowing what is coming next.
I don't know of anyone other than myself who have actually cried out to God, please, please please take away my feelings. I don't want to have emotions. Only you alone knows how great my struggle are with my emotions. On one hand, trusting them are my greatest assets, and on the other hand, trusting them have been also my greatest burden, and down fall.
I have a love hate relationship with a lot of things. Ok. that's a very strong line to pull. More like... Mix feelings about many things. For example, I do like the auto correct on the iphone because typing becomes a lot more like lazy man's work. All it needs is for the computer to get what I am trying to tell it. Whereas on the other hand, a lot of times, it ended up sending things I did not intended for it to because it auto corrected the words to something else. Especially slangs and phases of Malaysia I use. Likewise, emotions. I need them to please God or else, I might not even know if I am loving someone or not. On the other hand, I do not want my emotions because when I go up, up, up, I tend to not notice things so well. Whereas, if I go down down down, i become very very unproductive. Having it is really a pain. PAIN IN THE ASS.
One of the things God convicted me of again is the love for singlehood. Do I really love singlehood? Or I am trying to get away from loneliness. So much mix feelings about it when Relationships with girls I really desire for starts coming my way and I do not know what to do about it. Really.. really... if only I have more skills in separating my emotions... I can definitely make a better rational decision. God help me.... Slap this heart.
I don't know of anyone other than myself who have actually cried out to God, please, please please take away my feelings. I don't want to have emotions. Only you alone knows how great my struggle are with my emotions. On one hand, trusting them are my greatest assets, and on the other hand, trusting them have been also my greatest burden, and down fall.
I have a love hate relationship with a lot of things. Ok. that's a very strong line to pull. More like... Mix feelings about many things. For example, I do like the auto correct on the iphone because typing becomes a lot more like lazy man's work. All it needs is for the computer to get what I am trying to tell it. Whereas on the other hand, a lot of times, it ended up sending things I did not intended for it to because it auto corrected the words to something else. Especially slangs and phases of Malaysia I use. Likewise, emotions. I need them to please God or else, I might not even know if I am loving someone or not. On the other hand, I do not want my emotions because when I go up, up, up, I tend to not notice things so well. Whereas, if I go down down down, i become very very unproductive. Having it is really a pain. PAIN IN THE ASS.
One of the things God convicted me of again is the love for singlehood. Do I really love singlehood? Or I am trying to get away from loneliness. So much mix feelings about it when Relationships with girls I really desire for starts coming my way and I do not know what to do about it. Really.. really... if only I have more skills in separating my emotions... I can definitely make a better rational decision. God help me.... Slap this heart.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Monday, September 2, 2013
Unity
The importance can only be illustrated by this simple example
As you all know, the state of affairs in Malaysia is such that there is a bias switch of support from the current government to the opposition party because of the way the government ran their policies and make them. With so many unfulfilled promises and unpopular decisions after losing nearly all the trust of the people, it is not surprising that they are turning into the underdogs of the elections, so when they won the support of the people of Kluang, it was no surprise.
However, the support that was given to the opposition team in Kluang was not all that strong either, and I soon found out why.
I recieved news from a lot of people even my parents who are people who don't simply channel information around just for the sake of having people follow their opinion., that the opposition team in Kluang is doing a very bad job. I was to find out soon enough too.
The people of Dap Kluang does not really associate much with the people of Kluang. So much for fighting for the rights of the people er? The people of Kluang barely knows who is in the Dap party of Kluang, where the old dap office was. You won't hear of dap politicians making time to hang out or have dinner with the people, well, not yet at least. I can understand the proposition of Dap not having a lot of money thus not being able to host a lot of what MCA had the luxury of hosting, but there is still much one could do while being a leader in getting to know the people whom you serve. I have to admit, while being a fan of DAP, this fact has been undoubtedly true of DAP. That beneath the kind mask are also ugly vulgar symbols of political greed, or even worse. Carnal greed.
Admittedly, People on MCA have better reputation for helping the people of Kluang as well.
However, I felt that the people of Kluang were very ready to pardon all these mistakes. The problem is the disunity of DAP branch in Kluang is terrible. One of the worse in my opinion, granting a very bad impression to the people, giving them the idea that the politicians in DAP Kluang have a way of doing things that is exactly the same as MCA, which really is not the case.
A case of action speaks louder than words. But this is a really good example of disunity taking the toll of the would be saviors of the town.
As you all know, the state of affairs in Malaysia is such that there is a bias switch of support from the current government to the opposition party because of the way the government ran their policies and make them. With so many unfulfilled promises and unpopular decisions after losing nearly all the trust of the people, it is not surprising that they are turning into the underdogs of the elections, so when they won the support of the people of Kluang, it was no surprise.
However, the support that was given to the opposition team in Kluang was not all that strong either, and I soon found out why.
I recieved news from a lot of people even my parents who are people who don't simply channel information around just for the sake of having people follow their opinion., that the opposition team in Kluang is doing a very bad job. I was to find out soon enough too.
The people of Dap Kluang does not really associate much with the people of Kluang. So much for fighting for the rights of the people er? The people of Kluang barely knows who is in the Dap party of Kluang, where the old dap office was. You won't hear of dap politicians making time to hang out or have dinner with the people, well, not yet at least. I can understand the proposition of Dap not having a lot of money thus not being able to host a lot of what MCA had the luxury of hosting, but there is still much one could do while being a leader in getting to know the people whom you serve. I have to admit, while being a fan of DAP, this fact has been undoubtedly true of DAP. That beneath the kind mask are also ugly vulgar symbols of political greed, or even worse. Carnal greed.
Admittedly, People on MCA have better reputation for helping the people of Kluang as well.
However, I felt that the people of Kluang were very ready to pardon all these mistakes. The problem is the disunity of DAP branch in Kluang is terrible. One of the worse in my opinion, granting a very bad impression to the people, giving them the idea that the politicians in DAP Kluang have a way of doing things that is exactly the same as MCA, which really is not the case.
A case of action speaks louder than words. But this is a really good example of disunity taking the toll of the would be saviors of the town.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Conviction and vision
I shared the conviction of one of my close friends to another good friend of mine. It still puzzles me how people under the same God, same church, same ministry, can reject each others conviction as though it is false preaching. Being a 3rd party to the whole issue, I don't wholly agree with the conviction or drive for change in that area. But I can see where the desire and passion of it arise from.
I was having one of those small talks with my friend and it went to politics of course. We started talking about issues that were brought to knowledge by the general public in many places regarding the Malaysian general election. There is this huge issue of unfairness, and of course.. everyone heard of the blackouts that took place. Apparently a whole lot of it was just puffed up conspiracy theories to conspire against the government. But at the same time, the 2 of us came to acknowledge that there has to be a certain element of truth to the news that was provided because people just don't cook up stories out of no-where to spread. There has to be a certain amount of truth to it no matter how small the truth is, so we both concluded that in some rural areas where communication is a lot worse than it usually is, it might have happened.
The point is, where there is an area that requires change that someone else is convicted about while we are not and probably not in agreement with as well, we will automatically shunt him off and label him as misguided. And when that happens, a whole new area of vision and progress just gets destroyed like that.
Some of the things that I noticed people experiences or struggle with that causes misunderstandings of such.
1) bad communication skills
be it that the person is bad with his language or just bad at expressing themselves, this would be one of the largest reasons why people misunderstood each other. I personally experienced a lot of it. And it can arise from a lot of reasons. Bad language command, fear, especially when wanting to impress another. Somehow ideas just won't flow from a person to another simply because the person explaining the idea is really bad at it.
2.) reputation
The circumstance of my local government represents the best example to this. Over the years, corruption has painted a strongly demented image of the government resulting in the people interpreting all the actions of the government as bad. As a result of that, all the actions of the government is now interpreted by everyone as having a corrupted vision, or not vision at all. let alone a conviction.
3.) Pride and ego
Some people just have their heads so puffed up that they now fail to see the works and ministry of others around them no matter how clearly explained.
Alright. So how does one overcome all these to bring a vision across to another person? After all, if people are really that impossible to work with, that leadership would be a sector people would not bother to venture into because it has little returns.
Patience. The maturing person will sooner or later come to a stage of maturity that would enable them to see the big picture which they currently can't see with their level of maturity. Painful it is to practice the enduring patience of waiting for that maturity or even teaching them to be that mature. I found it a delightfully rewarding to bring someone up to a greater level of Godly maturity, but that apparently I realised, is a calling that not everyone is meant to be following .
Love. what truely is the hardest is loving someone more than you love yourself. This however is not a chose-able thing to do, but a requirement for all who are Christians. But at the same time, having been empowered by God, should not be something that is thought of as impossible to practice.
Slowing down. Slow down to hear. Speak less. My dad who is someone regarded by everyone he works with and the church as well, as a person who no one should have a problem with. My church leaders and his co-workers use him as a benchmark to identify people who are difficult to work with. How do they do that? Anyone who cannot work with my dad is a person with bad character. I approached by dad and ask him how to speak to people and understand people better. His answer to me has always been the same till today. Listen to what other people are saying. Don't always want to talk about yourself. It has been an advice that I found hard to follow, but greatly beneficial in following
I was having one of those small talks with my friend and it went to politics of course. We started talking about issues that were brought to knowledge by the general public in many places regarding the Malaysian general election. There is this huge issue of unfairness, and of course.. everyone heard of the blackouts that took place. Apparently a whole lot of it was just puffed up conspiracy theories to conspire against the government. But at the same time, the 2 of us came to acknowledge that there has to be a certain element of truth to the news that was provided because people just don't cook up stories out of no-where to spread. There has to be a certain amount of truth to it no matter how small the truth is, so we both concluded that in some rural areas where communication is a lot worse than it usually is, it might have happened.
The point is, where there is an area that requires change that someone else is convicted about while we are not and probably not in agreement with as well, we will automatically shunt him off and label him as misguided. And when that happens, a whole new area of vision and progress just gets destroyed like that.
Some of the things that I noticed people experiences or struggle with that causes misunderstandings of such.
1) bad communication skills
be it that the person is bad with his language or just bad at expressing themselves, this would be one of the largest reasons why people misunderstood each other. I personally experienced a lot of it. And it can arise from a lot of reasons. Bad language command, fear, especially when wanting to impress another. Somehow ideas just won't flow from a person to another simply because the person explaining the idea is really bad at it.
2.) reputation
The circumstance of my local government represents the best example to this. Over the years, corruption has painted a strongly demented image of the government resulting in the people interpreting all the actions of the government as bad. As a result of that, all the actions of the government is now interpreted by everyone as having a corrupted vision, or not vision at all. let alone a conviction.
3.) Pride and ego
Some people just have their heads so puffed up that they now fail to see the works and ministry of others around them no matter how clearly explained.
Alright. So how does one overcome all these to bring a vision across to another person? After all, if people are really that impossible to work with, that leadership would be a sector people would not bother to venture into because it has little returns.
Patience. The maturing person will sooner or later come to a stage of maturity that would enable them to see the big picture which they currently can't see with their level of maturity. Painful it is to practice the enduring patience of waiting for that maturity or even teaching them to be that mature. I found it a delightfully rewarding to bring someone up to a greater level of Godly maturity, but that apparently I realised, is a calling that not everyone is meant to be following .
Love. what truely is the hardest is loving someone more than you love yourself. This however is not a chose-able thing to do, but a requirement for all who are Christians. But at the same time, having been empowered by God, should not be something that is thought of as impossible to practice.
Slowing down. Slow down to hear. Speak less. My dad who is someone regarded by everyone he works with and the church as well, as a person who no one should have a problem with. My church leaders and his co-workers use him as a benchmark to identify people who are difficult to work with. How do they do that? Anyone who cannot work with my dad is a person with bad character. I approached by dad and ask him how to speak to people and understand people better. His answer to me has always been the same till today. Listen to what other people are saying. Don't always want to talk about yourself. It has been an advice that I found hard to follow, but greatly beneficial in following
Sunday, August 18, 2013
identifying the egoistics
Self-centered- which results in being
-selfish
-intolerant
-indifferent
-ignorant
-unkind
-lazy
low-self-esteem- which results in being
-self assuring
-self confident
-self righteous
-desiring independence
-suspicious (contributing factor)
-rash
-arrogant
-judgmental
-workaholic (tendency)
Ashamed- which results in being
-defensive
-suspicious
-crafty (contributing factor)
-permissive
-selfish
-intolerant
-indifferent
-ignorant
-unkind
-lazy
low-self-esteem- which results in being
-self assuring
-self confident
-self righteous
-desiring independence
-suspicious (contributing factor)
-rash
-arrogant
-judgmental
-workaholic (tendency)
Ashamed- which results in being
-defensive
-suspicious
-crafty (contributing factor)
-permissive
Thursday, August 15, 2013
When faith wears thin
Allow me to ask this question. Which comes first. Fear or the losing of faith? Or do you start doubting and mistrusting someone first, then only start losing faith in them?
For me, I realise everything starts small, and always a compromise. Oh, how I grief God with my compromising ways. It usually starts with a "alright, this is the last time I will be doing this, or a this will be the only time I don't do this, and then the escalation starts from there, increasing ridiculously in the omission count, or exponentially in things that I should not be doing. Purity has always been, and now remains to be an area that I never won a fight in. What more to know that on top of sucking so bad at this fight, people around me does not seem to, or rather, my peers never seem to have any trouble with this area. Not as bad as me at least. That frustrates me the most because now, its hard not to see inferiority in myself. Gosh writing this is hard. I hope no one really sees this. (haha. how impossible is that)
Have you ever been though the moments when you know your just lukewarm. Your not among those "elites", yet your not among the "trash" either. Often. Often do I find it hard to share/ select a friend to be close to.
For me, I realise everything starts small, and always a compromise. Oh, how I grief God with my compromising ways. It usually starts with a "alright, this is the last time I will be doing this, or a this will be the only time I don't do this, and then the escalation starts from there, increasing ridiculously in the omission count, or exponentially in things that I should not be doing. Purity has always been, and now remains to be an area that I never won a fight in. What more to know that on top of sucking so bad at this fight, people around me does not seem to, or rather, my peers never seem to have any trouble with this area. Not as bad as me at least. That frustrates me the most because now, its hard not to see inferiority in myself. Gosh writing this is hard. I hope no one really sees this. (haha. how impossible is that)
Have you ever been though the moments when you know your just lukewarm. Your not among those "elites", yet your not among the "trash" either. Often. Often do I find it hard to share/ select a friend to be close to.
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