Reading: Esther 1-2
Reading this 2 chapters reminds me of how sad and wicked the world that is outside of God really is. Due to the sin of the Israelites, they were subjected to the conquest of Persia when they came and conquer Babylon. Women in this book clearly have no standing in society and are treated merely as sex toys.
As much as I love sex and fantasize over having my own harem, I want it to happen willingly. And the sad thing to see is none of this women mentioned even had the option of having their will asked or given intention to. Even most powerful royalty members like the queen, is regarded as a sex toy which can be paraded any time the King wishes.
The way how the King qualifies who is to be is queen is by selecting who is deemed the prettiest, and pleases him the most. As contrasted against the way how Abrahams servant helped Issac choose a wife- he went to the well and watched for one to come, found that there is so many pretty and beautiful suitable mate for Issac. But because God says only 1 wife- 1 husband, it’s such a daunting choice. And thus his decision to commit the whole process to God instead of using his own wisdom. Thus creating the rule and criteria that helped him short list the right one.
Then also reminded me that The circumstances we are in might be unchristian, and unGodly. But the way God calls us to be true to him can vary so much. In this broken world, God put us among broken lifestyle to show his gracefulness? Rather curious about how women of the old: Esther/ all those concubines, if they do go to heaven, who is their destined husband? Do they get to be paired up with real love? Or it’s remain virgin for eternity in heaven? What if they wanted to be with husband? All so complicated. And in my circumstances… probably what my wife wants is different from me?
The opening of the book reminds me of his superficial humans really are. How selfish the world is compared to the idealism that God & the Christian world portrays. In fact, because God’s word is taught through flawed humans, it’s hard to hear God through men, without being subjected to their unhealthy perceptions. Thus needing my own quiet time to listen and be in-tuned with what God is saying.
I also realised a struggle.. I don’t want to be like all these men in the Bible who enslave and objectify their women. I wanna uphold and treat Valerie with absolute dignity, but it too comes with the worry of being climbed all over. Something that has to be fought with.
3/9/2025
Today after bringing a friend to church, I am faced with the question again. Whether I am ashamed of what I really believe in, and it is showing in what I am holding back when I wanna talk about things I do in church, or why I believe in God
6/9/2025
Bible reading Psalm 115 - psalm 130
After reading 117, because the chapter is so short, I feel like the thing I am learning here is not the duration or quality of quiet time that matters, but also the consistency. That if I don’t have a super big good quality time, doesn’t matter. Consistency is also important. The short (less than 30 words) Psalm was also recorded because it wants to remind us all that even if it’s a little bit of growth, God is still please.
After reading 119, I am reminded of the days when I was 20-21. When I was so on fire for God, so unwavering from what I read in the Bible. I won’t turn my head from left to right. Only looking forward. I miss those days. Now I feel I am far from that, but never matter! God is restoring me back to those days. Breathe life back into these dry bones.
As I read the Psalms, I feel like my soul is being edified, and full of positivity. I am not afraid, not worried, and reminded that my God is the redeemer.
I have been thinking about my spiritual calling, and what is it that I am best at doing. I think my main specialty is as a missionary. I am very good at bringing the lost to church, exposing them to Christian values, helping them settle and find comfort in church. I am by nature, a very patient and persevering person. I don’t give up easily.
Today was a very exhausting day. Not because the day was heavy, but also because it is a rest day from the long days of exhaustion. So I start reeling from all the exhausting work from the day. I been trying my best to ensure keeping of sabbath and God providing. This God provide thing is still a struggle that I am.
This week, I also restart the writing of this Quiet time journal because I want to record down my growth, find a place to pour out my brain, and record down my struggles, and also use it as therapy to think out my brain, especially clear up all the overthinking bits of my head.
Another thing I wanna overcome, and don’t let affect me anymore is the remembering of my wife’s past, and wanting to 1 up it. It grows stronger as our sex life decreased so much. I am now wondering if she loves any of her exes more, or me, because it feels like her sex life with them is better than whatever we are experiencing. I definitely expected a way more vibrant sex life. I think I also have a lot more to overcome in terms of what is in my head and probably do a body check up to determine why our sex life has dropped so much. It is also this area that I feel ashamed of myself. Another area of worry that has returned is worry of finances. This month is the month of heavy expenses again: Repairing car, Car insurance, replacing keyboard, repairing house, body check-up… lots of things needs replacing, and I don’t have the finances for it. I am feeling very stress. The brain and heart wants to blame my wife, especially the trip to Phuket for it, but I know it should not be, and that I should focus on God’s ability to provide for the 2 of us. We will get through this, and look back one day at God’s graciousness to sustaining us. But I am also very grateful that Valerie is so understanding. Despite the situation we are in, she doesn’t sound me, even give me space to rest and recuperate. If it was Jenny….. there would be a lot of arguments and quarrels. I realised that relationship was so bad to the point I am now re-learning a lot about how God provides.
Another lesson I am learning is how to manage the people under me. There’s 2. Casey and Adlene. God please guide and show me what are my roles in their development and getting to know you. Both are very headstrong individuals, but both also need and hunger for you.
7/9/2025
Bible reading: Psalms 131 - 150
these series of Psalms changed from its usual tone of “God save me” to “oh how Great is our God” reminding me what it is like to praise God, and to reverent in his greatness and power. I want to remember that I serve such a great God.
8/9/2025
Bible reading: Proverbs 1 - 8
I haven’t read this book in a long time, so reading it makes me feel reminiscent of a lot of things I read and seen when I was a teenager in university. The first few chapters reminds on seeking of wisdom. I used to hate this book because it is used by people like Jit Pang to point reproach. And now, after reading it, I feel like I am looking at them with reproach. That I have become haunty and arrogant. I feel like each time I read this book, I become less humble. I am sorry oh God, for failing to be humble after reading this book. A lot of times I will keep quiet now and just observe is because I am reminded of the days when I was outspoken and not humble. Spending a lot of time looking down on people. And then the struggle with results and all is probably God humbling me down to listen to wisdom. As I read chapter 1, it says that wisdom is everywhere and anywhere, always calling out. I hope I am not one of those who is blind to wisdom.
I used to think the fear of the lord is only reading the Bible. But I have also been subsconsciously relying on listening to the Holy Spirit and waiting on him for answers. Now as I read the Bible again, I understand that it is a combination of both. That devotion to studying and listening to the Holy Spirit, this combination is what gives wisdom.
Proverbs 8:13
The fear of the Lord is hatred of evil.
Pride and arrogance and the way of evil
and perverted speech I hate.
My head is full of concern about my career. I am concerned if Adlene is the right partner. She is always in down time. Even admittedly saying that she is putting in less effort with SD as compared to Blaze. I at times wonder why am I subjecting myself to so much stress and tiredness managing 2 companies. It feels like I am doing all these to make ends meet, but at the same time, nothing is meeting. I feel like giving up and close both companies, both also feels problematic. Growing real estate also have its issues.. so much has to be manually done, and Casey’s learning is so challenging. His mind is full of overthinking, and he is also full of procrastination. How did you managed to lead your disciples of 12? Till today, I have no clue how to lead and how to groom these people. I feel like as they follow me, I am bringing them to no where, with no direction and no heading.
Oh God please help me. Guide me to the right direction, guide me to where there is green pastures and easy roads. Guide me so that I can bring success to these 2 who follow me. Help me keep these 2 subbordinates by my side. Things will be very difficult if they exit my team. Please help me bring revenue to them as well. Help me grow this business to a sustainable size. Grow this business for me into something big enough to sustain the 3 of us, while also achieve scaleability. I feel lost and directionless, and the learning curve is too steep. Help me get through this. Bring me through this, deliver me oh God, please don’t let me handle this alone. I look at the mirror and already see so much white hair on my head. Is that a sign of how much I am not reliant on you? I commit everything to you, all the career bits, all the work bits. I commit everything to you, all my worries, my relationships, my career fears, I surrender. I fully rely on you. Last year I ended high, but this year is full of struggles, and small wins. I want to remember all the small wins you give me and bring your name, bring your glory wherever I go. I am worried about the new role of marketing for aesthetic clinic that I have taken up. I am scared I cannot deliver. Please save me. Help me deliver. I am worried I cannot hit my sales target for this year. Help me. My mind is full of stress, my nights are full of worries, I cannot sleep without thinking of work, I cannot do anything without thinking of work. I commit everything work related into your hands, I commit all its fails and success into your hands. Please make it all prosper and succeed, and I will focus on glorifying your name.
9/9/2025
Bible reading: Proverbs 9 - 15
Bible reflection: consistently in all of proverbs, the focus is on doing things the Godly way, vs doing things the unGodly way, and the ungodly way always leads to death.
Proverbs 12:18 There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:25 Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down,
but a good word makes him glad.
What good does anxiousness do me, but a good word helps elevate my mind.
Wise don’t win arguments, they heal pain. Hinting that wisdom is something greatly lacking in this generation. Write and do content with wisdom.
Wifening is very happy today, and that makes my day very positive. She is more at ease when she go to work, very happy and upbeat. She’s also becoming more and more attached to me, God, can see you healing the traumas that she experienced in the past, changing her bit by bit.
I feel less worried about work today, probably it’s because more task are being sorted, and God, you have kept my people around me. Or is it because I am earnestly seeking and reading your word on a daily basis, thus I am finding favor among men and You? Regardless, life is good and I give you all the glory for it.
in 1 month, mom and dad will be traveling to Turkey, please bless their trip. Also, while he may not be thinking it, or even asking you for it, please give my brother a faithful, kind, understanding, loving wife.
10/9/2025
Bible reading: Proverbs 16 - 30
When doing content writing, and people keep on opposing, remember this:
Proverbs 18:2
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding,
but only in expressing his opinion.
Proverbs 24: 17-18
Do not rejoice when your enemy falls,
and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles,
lest the Lord see it and be displeased,
and turn away his anger from him.
When I read this, I think of the things I talk to Chua, to Adlene about. The people that have disappointed me, and have gain my reproof. But now I see that if I go at them, the lord will reproof me. No point dwelling on it unless I need to talk to someone to prevent them from stumbling (ie: they are about to work with them. That’s all)
Father in heaven, the people who disappoint me are a lot. Almost everyone has something that I am not happy with. Please help me to forgive them. Help me to accept them, and please provide where they fail. Where they fail, please provide to cover up for their mistakes, for a lot of it are still crucial things that I am dependent on. Things that needs doing, but no one is there to do it once they are gone. Oh God, please send relief to me. Amen.
Today’s one of those very dry days, As I worship, and I read the Bible, my brain feels very blank, and I feel like watching porn and mastubating. Probably cos I am alone in the house with a lot of privacy. In the name of Jesus, foggy brain, mastubation and porn, be gone from me. Amen.
11/9/2025
Ecclesiastes 1 - 12
Ecclesiastes 2: 26
For to the one who pleases him God has given wisdom and knowledge and joy, but to the sinner he has given the business of gathering and collecting, only to give to one who pleases God. This also is vanity and a striving after wind.
This verse is very hard to believe because I feel like I haven’t experienced it before. Or am I still not righteous in the eyes of God. But it also acts as encouragement that I should pick up my bible and start reading and following again like in the same manner. This I want to remember, that it is the goodness of God that will sustain me, and give me fruits.
Ecclesiastes 5: 19-20
Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God. For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart.
Here, another strangely interesting verse, asking us to enjoy the wealth that God gave us, instead of earning it to only give it away. Like we need a balance between using it for our own enjoyment and pleasure, and using it for the furtherance of God’s kingdom.
Ecclesiastes 6: 10
Say not, “Why were the former days better than these?”
For it is not from wisdom that you ask this.
Another very interesting verse, that I understand not (at least why is this the case.) Probably it is hinting to men’s forgetfulness of God’s goodness, and it is also hinting at living in the past. It could also mean that if that is the thoughts in my head, that means I am not considering the current riches that God has already granted me.
Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb[a] of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.
This verse opens up my mind, reminding me not to forcefully try and understand everything on how God works, or to demand that he explains everything on how he does it. That is my pride at work.
Today again, struggling with overcoming porn and mastubation. So hard. This challenge is like permanent with me. Today, my maxis bills also didn’t pass through my credit card. Financially, I am in real distress. Help me oh God, to overcome this. I want to be able to feed my wife, provide for my family.
Honestly, not really looking forward to today’s reading as it is more on the negative side. Everything is meaningless, no purpose, basically the theme of the book. It’s like… listening to Valerie’s dad talk. I do remember there’s somewhere mentioned that this was written after Solomon backslides from God, and his rule starts becoming foolish. Perhaps that is what it is, that pursuing other things apart from God will make life feels meaningless.
12/9/2025
Bible reading: Songs of songs 1 - 8
There is this one segment of the book under chapter 3 where it walks about the bride bringing the husband into her mother’s room. I am haunted by the memory of Valerie. It’s so hard to forgive her. All the knowledge of her being so intimate with other men, while barely any intimacy towards me. Always on her phone, if there is anything that is making me struggle so hard, is the inconsistency of her saying “she loves me” but I don’t see it in action. Always she needs her own time, she’s doing her own thing, like she’s still living in her own world.
Another thing that really gets into me is how easily she gives up. The point of “don’t want to stay in this world” is something I can resonate with, but feel that it’s very unhealthy. Feels like she can at moments notice, decide to kill herself, or that she doesn’t find purpose in anything. Very challenging.
Probably the funniest way to start reading this book is to start with being angry with Valerie. Her impatience is frustrating to say the least. And it comes suddenly with very short fuse. No clue what caused this level of impatience, or how for it to be reduced. They say if there’s something you are not happy with your spouse, then it’s usually something within us that needs working on, something that needs correcting. At this point, there’s a lot of things I am afraid to pray about.
The book serves as a good calming agent in helping reduce my anger, and make me feel more calmed. Also, another thing that makes it feel like my patience has increased is though I am so tired, my temper is in control, I don’t feel that kind of intense surge in anger.
13/9/2025
Bible reading: Isaiah 1- 7
My thought process as I start this book, now starts the “emo lamenting” which will last all the way to Malachi. It is in this book I see God’s providence, how long suffering and enduring he is, how loving and how bad he wants man to return to him.
Isaiah 1 - 2
This chapters deals with men’s pridefulness, and how God doesn’t like it. That ear to not listen, that ear to not seek council. That ear to want to boast.
14/9/2025
Bible reading: Isaiah 8-
Pleasing to my soul to hear wife so fired up for God now. But I am left worrying about my career again. I think everything that I hope to change, improve etc, cannot be done instantly, results don’t happen in 1 second. I need to learn to be more consistent instead of more excellent.
Concerning false prophets and mediums, black magic practitioners, tarot cards readers. This is what Isaiah says
Isaiah: 8: 19-20
And when they say to you, “Seek those who are mediums and wizards, who whisper and mutter,” should not a people seek their God? Should they seek the dead on behalf of the living? To the law and to the testimony! If they do not speak according to this word, it isbecause there[o] is no light in them.
Instead of seeking them for info, seek God, for these people does not come from God, there’s no Holy Spirit in them, and it is more important for us to follow closely exactly to what God says ( intention of actions is important, more than knowledge and clarity)
Reading of Isaiah 10 gives me the feeling of safety, that should one come against God’s people, the judgment on them is so severe. The way how God comes at them is so great, he will destroy them, wipe them out so heavily until there’s virtually nothing left of them, then he will continue to destroy their memory long after their gone, by making people look at them with woe and detest, from the depths of how heavily their destruction came about. Also, what makes it equally comforting is the amount of understanding on how God hears and knows each complains against his opponents, from it, God comes with judgment.
As I read the way how each nation that God destroys thinks, the arrogance in their talks, I am reminded of how non-christians think in my current world, how powerful they have become, but I also want to remember that God who is my strength will really take care and protect me, giving me the desires of my heart. Remember me and my devotion to you oh God, how my heart always puts you first in everything I do. Please prosper whatever I lay my hands to, whatever I work on. Please give fruits and success to my efforts. Reward me richly for I try my best to honor you.
