Genesis

Again, I have completed the bible from cover to cover. Each time I complete it, I feel like I have finished a whole huge achievement and want to share my success with others around me. What a mile stone I went on. Quite hard it has been though, finding people who would share my joy. Probably God is teaching me to find contentment in his lone, sole applause.
Anyway, since one has completed reading the bible from cover to cover, what does one do next? re-read it again from cover to cover. All the way back to genesis.
This time, as I re-embark on a new journey to finish the bible from cover to cover, I am looking at the bible differently again. Probably because I am more honest to myself, as well as more knowing and understanding towards myself, I realise I tend to treat genesis not a book as it should be.
When you read the bible, can you get the emotions that runs through it as well? Can you get the feelings that God felt when you go  through each event and moment in history in the eyes of God?
I used to avoid reading genesis for many reasons. 1 because the idea that there is nothing I can learn from it was greatly planted in my head. That everything there is to be learned is already thought in the rest of the books. The other reason is because genesis always felt like a book of tragedy. Especially upon reaching the story of Noah, it feels like you can see the sorrow that went through God. Nothing beats the pain of destroying something you love.
At the same time, while the people of God turns their face against his, God in love does not turn away, but creates routes for them. Seeing how God puts up with them, while knowing that they are intentionally running away and angering him is very saddening. Yet in his mercy, he creates ways and kindness for the purpose of sustaining them and hopefully, guide them back.
Going through Genesis again allows me to feel the pain that God feels regarding creating something that he loves so bad that he wants to bring it/he,she to a whole new place and purpose of life each time, which each moment being better than the previous, then having to change its destiny to being destroyed. It seems so not logical that many people stop believing because they cannot accept the premise that Someone with so much love can also destroy. People forget the inevitability of consequence. In the world of justice and righteousness that we seek, we are actually asking God to kill us.
I pray that at the end of every reading of Genesis, we grow more compassionate and merciful to the people around us.

Shame

It diminishes one, but not in a humbling way. Listing a few words that will explain it all
- lost of self worth
- no face
- fear
- defensive
- compromise
- unforgiving
- lost

Now, where was that "magic" formula I found...

Man Shall not live on bread alone..

I used to never really understood what does this verse really meant and I kinda found it curious what does Jesus really meant when he mentioned this verse. Surely he does not mean that we do not need to eat to live. If he meant that with faith we can get through life without eating, then I don't just find that hard to believe, I would find myself in a position of being hard to accept it as well.
These days, morning seems to be more and more different to me. Hunger seems to affect me more in the morning than any other times. In fact, my mood changes when I am hungry. Due to my cravings for food, I tend to become a different person. Fearful, rash, mean, unpolished. When I am hungry, I find that that is the period of time when my mind struggles most to do things that pleases God. Its like a senseless me, and when I regain my senses after eating, I start to regret all that I said and all that I have done. It used to be when I have just woke up from my sleep, I will be really grumpy and mean to the people around me. The ones who would noticed this sooner than later would be my family members. God knows how many times they had to put up with my grumpy side.
Confronted by God, I knew I cannot let such circumstances make me sin against God. In fact, I cannot let any circumstances allow me to sin against God for I am fully equipped to please God in every circumstances. Thats when the bible really spoke to me. Men shall not live on bread alone, but by every word from the mouth of God. The word of God is and will be the only thing I rely on in the future. God forbid it that I rely on bread to go about not sinning.

from the books written by Paul, to 2nd Peter, to 1st John

I don't know about you, but if you do noticed, there have been extensive references of the human perceptions and tendencies as lusting of the flesh. 3 of the most quoted book writers of the bible writing about one same issue and actually dwelling on it extensively in all 3 books. All 3 authors did not specify it to be one specific sin that is being of great trouble. Curiously, unlike what was dealt with in the old testaments, which was pride, the new testament equated this human desires to carnal human desires. Carnal intentions. Carnal human activities. Any desire of humankind which can be associated with the world would be regarded as worldly. Any desire which intends to profit from the world, and enjoy it, is regarded as a carnal lustful desire which should be purged. With this, I can understand how did it lead the general population to start having perspectives that the bible does not encourages marriage, that the bible does not encourages relationships.
The 3 authors then proceeded to establishing the case of total dependence. Total dependence on God for emotional stability, direction and enjoyment. Total dependence on God for all our wants and our needs. It interest me to no end to note how much God wants to be involved in our most minute wants and desires.
I never really understood what it really meant when God used to say I am a jealous God. Or rather, I did know what it meant, but never really understood what depth was he referring to, or how much depending on God really meant.
A lot of times, if not most of the times, I find that depending on God in my life meant that I would be doing the things I want in the way that I won't want it done or would never believed would work. The curious thing is there are, if not a lot of times that God would not work because of lack of belief. He wants us to allow him to do things his way in obtaining the things we want, but at the same time coming in full belief and acceptance to the way he intends to carry it out.
I admit that this area is one of the areas I am terribly weak at. Learning to trust God, learning to allow God. Faith has never been a simple thing for me, and it is still a hard button to push.
Finally. All 3 authors dwelled on grace exceptionally heavily. As much as how much we fail to meet the criteria set by God, More grace is being given and will be given by him to see that you still can find him waiting.

grandpa's story

Today my grandparents in their joy decided spontaneously to throw a dinner for me as a sign of their joy for my return as well as obtaining a 2nd upper classification for my degree. Ah. Its been so long since I tasted a properly cooked Malaysian dish. Pleasures and luxury are all at my feet and I am enjoying every moment of them!
Then came the moment when my grandpa started sharing all the stories of what happened among his friends and the people he helped with the connections of his. Of the many stories that he threw out, this one caught my attention like the snap of a finger.
Alright. this man that my grandpa talked about has no good credentials. But the focus is not on him. So here is the story as per how I heard it.
This one particular man, had an affair against his wife with a china doll. The matter went totally out of hand, and he divorced his wife in order to be together with this new girlfriend from china. Originally, he had a really high paying job in Singapore as a chef. His pay was a 5 figure sum. Really really good pay. He then left his job to be with this girl from china. Little did he know that that girl was only all out to spend every single cent he has, which she did. Upon finishing up every single cent on him, she then ordered him to go and rob someone, which he stupidly did.
Being not experienced as being a crook, he panicked so very easily at the first sight of the girl he robbed screaming. What happened next was quite funny. He panicked so hard that he gave the girl back everything he took, but it was too late because the police came and took him into custody.
At the court, he did another really silly thing due to ego. Being to ashamed to approach his parents for help, he decided to enter the trials without legal assistance, thus going to trial without a lawyer.His charges was in fact too high to justify such a move. As I would call it, a typical chinese school brat, he got all too scared in the police interogation and start giving out information to please the police. The police did not intend to play nice with him. The chief got 8 other policeman to give him the "good cop, bad cop" routine without the good cop. The trial ended in him being sentenced to get 6 lashes and 16 years in prison. The police then called his parents and immediate family members to inform them of his being in prison. The family panicked upon hearing as well, and imediately called my grandpa to help them.
Proper legal aid would only help reduce the sentence, but not quash it. The lawyer that my grandpa seeked out to help them did a very "unclean move" He went to the prosecution, and got them to throw of the case through a big bribe. This man is now clean in terms of registration.
The account is very unsettling, and I personally would want the guy dead.

School of theology

I used to think along the line that anyone who studied theology would be something like a sage speaking like a pastor or reverent, a person quite disconnected from the world. How wrong I was.
Whether we realise it or not, we all actually crave theology. In fact, we don't just crave theology, we are born to reason theology, speak theology, and live theology. Using God's wisdom as the foundation, and substance to the finer points of reasoning and logic. I cannot tell you how reassuring it is to the soul to come to a good understanding of the bible. Theology grants exactly that.
In every human lies the desire to be more wise, knowledgeable in everything despite knowing the imperfection to us that disallows that. We all want to seem good at everything. This trade of us shows through the fact that we want to give advice on everything despite knowing that we are not the best or even good at that one peculiar thing. Its a premise that not everyone is going to accept, though my position would be that reality does not require the belief of people to make it real. Thus the phase "reality is a hard and painful place."
The study of God. That is what theology is. There are many school of thoughts that goes around it, but generally there is only one focus. God's style of reasoning and ways.
Here is my premise. With God as our creator, sustainer, reason, and hope, there is even more so, too many reasons to want to study God. No man would in his right mind not decide to study his origin to want to know his purpose.
"Origin story telling time!" -- deadpool
Honestly, how nice doe that line sounds? When I first heard it, I like it so much that I gotten really motivated to find out my origin as well. Which led me to start a bible hunt around chapters like genesis, and the books written by apostle Paul. Knowing our origins, our originator is very important. Destiny and things like that can only be discovered upon discovering true origins.
Thus my conclusion. God is our origin and originator. To lead a fulfilled and wise life, You must know God. Period.

Count down

A few more days left, and I will officially graduate with a law degree. A few more days left and I will  be in Malaysia instead of the UK. Suddenly the feeling of going home has vanish and this foreign land actually feels like home. I think I have gotten way too accustomed to it despite already having acknowledged its temporariness. On the other hand, I certainly do look forward to the idea of fulfillment of purpose, which has to be done back home.
However, the most dreaded feeling is the feeling that comes with the knowledge of difference I have with others. On a general note, all my peers from home can already start working after obtaining their degree. Me on the other hand, have to go through some more exams. A Bar exam, and an examination regarding the Malay language. Both very time consuming, and after a while of having being consumed by time, gets pretty frustrating. And if things cannot get more daunting, I am facing one of the worlds hardest exams known to man. Its passing rate is only 50 percent of the students. Meaning the other 50 percent is destine to not be able to get even 40 marks. Now comes the crazy part. The exam's difficulty level is such that majority of the people will have to retake the paper. The people who pass is determined on a graph basis. Reason is to minimize the quantity of people entering the legal profession. I fear. A lot. Failure is not foreign to me, but the feeling of having to go through it again has never changed. If anything, the difficulty of it only worsens the way I feel.
This path now will definitely put my emotions to the real test. On top of knowingly entering such a ridiculously difficult examination, Having to watch my friends spin their way around the working market, buy car, buy house, start a family,while I continue studying is ridiculously frustrating. To add to the frustration, it is not like coming out to work after all that studying guarantees me better opportunities and chances. To begin with, my starting salary is measly compared to theirs, and the workload is more, the status in society i get is a double edge sword where people expects me to be rich and unscrupulous, at the same time, holding on to a ridiculously high moral code. Summing up, the me in the future is stuck with a measly pay for at least 5 years, yet having ridiculous working hours that will make me want to kill myself, being labeled a professional, yet being paid nearly the same as an unprofessional, expected to do charity... I came onto this road with the ideology to help. However, I didn't come on board knowing that in the act of helping, being taken forgranted is on a ridiculously high level. I can actually understand why many lawyers resort to such dirty technics and ways of not caring for others. Why they keep doing things that brings so much hate. Because the people whom they once sworn to protect is actually all out to make use of them, stab them, betray them, then discard them.
As a Christian, having come down this road is painfully hard. I think I actually have developed a dual personality to a certain extend. The me I want to be, and am striving to be, and the me I can be but will never want to be.The more I walk down this path, the more power actually is deposited into my hands and being a trusty of that power is actually getting harder because the people who give those power I can honestly say, deserves death to the highest degree. There are times where I greatly desire to just run a knife down them. God forbid that I run my life without love. I can see a fair share of difficulties that a lawyer will face while maintaining a Christian faith and walk. And the one that appears clearest is people who will seek help thinking they deserve it, and as they pursue that help, they are going to treat you like a dog. Having more power then them means being able to treat them worse without them knowing it, and watch them go down a drain that they can never crawl out of. And the worse part of it all is, I do know how to put someone in a drain they cannot exit. The hardest part is not doing it while helping that person up his ladder not because I like him, but because that is the Godly thing to do.
With great power comes great responsibilities, but at the same time, with great power comes great temptation, great vulnerability, great pain, and the worse part of it all. Little to no friends.