Count down

A few more days left, and I will officially graduate with a law degree. A few more days left and I will  be in Malaysia instead of the UK. Suddenly the feeling of going home has vanish and this foreign land actually feels like home. I think I have gotten way too accustomed to it despite already having acknowledged its temporariness. On the other hand, I certainly do look forward to the idea of fulfillment of purpose, which has to be done back home.
However, the most dreaded feeling is the feeling that comes with the knowledge of difference I have with others. On a general note, all my peers from home can already start working after obtaining their degree. Me on the other hand, have to go through some more exams. A Bar exam, and an examination regarding the Malay language. Both very time consuming, and after a while of having being consumed by time, gets pretty frustrating. And if things cannot get more daunting, I am facing one of the worlds hardest exams known to man. Its passing rate is only 50 percent of the students. Meaning the other 50 percent is destine to not be able to get even 40 marks. Now comes the crazy part. The exam's difficulty level is such that majority of the people will have to retake the paper. The people who pass is determined on a graph basis. Reason is to minimize the quantity of people entering the legal profession. I fear. A lot. Failure is not foreign to me, but the feeling of having to go through it again has never changed. If anything, the difficulty of it only worsens the way I feel.
This path now will definitely put my emotions to the real test. On top of knowingly entering such a ridiculously difficult examination, Having to watch my friends spin their way around the working market, buy car, buy house, start a family,while I continue studying is ridiculously frustrating. To add to the frustration, it is not like coming out to work after all that studying guarantees me better opportunities and chances. To begin with, my starting salary is measly compared to theirs, and the workload is more, the status in society i get is a double edge sword where people expects me to be rich and unscrupulous, at the same time, holding on to a ridiculously high moral code. Summing up, the me in the future is stuck with a measly pay for at least 5 years, yet having ridiculous working hours that will make me want to kill myself, being labeled a professional, yet being paid nearly the same as an unprofessional, expected to do charity... I came onto this road with the ideology to help. However, I didn't come on board knowing that in the act of helping, being taken forgranted is on a ridiculously high level. I can actually understand why many lawyers resort to such dirty technics and ways of not caring for others. Why they keep doing things that brings so much hate. Because the people whom they once sworn to protect is actually all out to make use of them, stab them, betray them, then discard them.
As a Christian, having come down this road is painfully hard. I think I actually have developed a dual personality to a certain extend. The me I want to be, and am striving to be, and the me I can be but will never want to be.The more I walk down this path, the more power actually is deposited into my hands and being a trusty of that power is actually getting harder because the people who give those power I can honestly say, deserves death to the highest degree. There are times where I greatly desire to just run a knife down them. God forbid that I run my life without love. I can see a fair share of difficulties that a lawyer will face while maintaining a Christian faith and walk. And the one that appears clearest is people who will seek help thinking they deserve it, and as they pursue that help, they are going to treat you like a dog. Having more power then them means being able to treat them worse without them knowing it, and watch them go down a drain that they can never crawl out of. And the worse part of it all is, I do know how to put someone in a drain they cannot exit. The hardest part is not doing it while helping that person up his ladder not because I like him, but because that is the Godly thing to do.
With great power comes great responsibilities, but at the same time, with great power comes great temptation, great vulnerability, great pain, and the worse part of it all. Little to no friends.