barb wire

4 boys were wanting to go play in the river nearby. There was heavy barbing of wire around that area meant to prevent people from going in, but boys be boys each one started climbing over the wire to swim in the river. Each one of them got over the wire accept for the youngest boy who had his clothes entangled around the wire. In frustrations frantic movements, he started trying to yank his clothes out of the wiring while each of the other boys leap into the river. The harder he yank, the more ripped his clothes got and more bruised he gotten. In one moment of triumph, he successfully gotten the last bit of wire of his clothing. In triumph, he screamed "I am free" and ran towards the river to join the other boys, only to have his brother shout back from the river "Don't come here! Its full of snakes!" That faithful day, the only boy that survived was the one caught by the barbed wire.

Have you ever been burned by fire? I have. I love playing with them. Real fire I mean. Not figurative fire. When I was younger, my hometown was more village like than it is now. There were more trees and more wild around. So burning up twigs and leaves to create more fertilizer was not uncommon. Many family burned the leaves and twigs in their garden as an economical way of cleaning up the garden and taming the garden. I was the one in charge of cleaning the garden of my family. Though I must say that I was terribly bad at it. So whats with being burned by fire? Nothing. Just wondering if you experience the pain of burn. It lingers for days if it really is a bad burn. Even leave scars.

Many people consider the mistakes they make as fire and the pain they go through after that as after burns. I used to think the same way too until I recall the barb wire story. Most of the times, there is a warning before we head into our mistakes. No mistakes is made without warnings before it. Can you remember a time where you plunge into something where your conscience did not "told you so?" You can't. Even the worse most profane state of being can be traced all the way back to small promptings in the heart bearing sigmas that says you will be bitten by a snake if you go that way.
A barb wire has its specific purpose. It is made to prevent people from entering into a certain premise whether for personal reasons or public reasons. (this case we shall be bias and only consider only public reasons) I believe there is always a warning to life's mistakes. Not one instance ever was there where I cannot trace the state of being of where I am to an instance where I dismiss the most subtle of warnings that has been presented to me.
So what does this reminds me of? Being faithful with little. Many people I know of seems to find that when problems comes, they instantly get big. Like as though life is some anime / Ultraman monster who can grow at will. The bible says, unless we are faithful in the small, we cannot be faithful in the big. Applying it. Do you notice how when you start doing something (anything) as time goes by, the doing increases and the "skill" or "quantity" increases. So from doing something small, we become doing something big but in the same area. In that way, as we make mistakes with the smallest aspects of life, it does not escalates to something big. It snowballs as we push it slowly, slowly. Slowly... till we find ourselves ran over by the snowball.
Honestly. How does this starts? With us wanting to do the big and neglect the small. Ever wish to fast forward time into another space? That is because we have gotten sick of the mundane small things we do. Unknowingly, we neglect it and rush on to the bigger game. Once again, why again. Pride. The mother of all sins as my teachers have told me. Pride brings its guns out. And humanity falls apart. Look around and see everyone seeking for people who are open minded. Open minded means accepting 2 sides of the stories equally then taking sides. ie: I accept your premise I reject your conclusion. To this day, I have not found anyone my age who has told me that same words despite how many times I have done it for them. I in fact am a very prideful person. Enough in fact to say I am an opinionated open minded person. We all see each others flaws and problems. Curiously, the reason to this is simple. What we see is a simple construction of a mirror as to half of what we are. All the flaws of what we see in another is actually a reflection of a monster that hides in us. You might then say, I have never committed infidelity, murder, incest, treason or any terrible sins. Now, I look back at you and ask you. Are you not capable of entertaining those thoughts? For each capability, we do not know how depraved we are until we entered that ground. We are indeed all monsters.

So hopeless it sounds, but is it really? Yesterday again I was reminded "Why do we fall? So we can pick ourselves up again." True, but flawful in its explanation. We do not pick ourselves up.When one falls in real life, one is rolling. One allows another to pick him up. That to you, is the true destruction of pride and maturities high road.

Grace

Romans 5: 20-21
"Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Have you ever committed a sin that even you yourself could not pardon let alone any of your peers who then recognises you? The guilt that stays even after having received forgiveness is so heavy at times especially when memories of our terrible indulgence returns. I have had that before. It didn't just affected my walk with God and association with other Christians, it affected me in every way. My deepest darkest desire is to learn a spell that can help me erase my own memory. Of what memory would I like to vanquish? A lot.

I realised the period of time when one gets hit hardest by the painful guilt  ridden memories are during the twilight hours. the more tired the body is, the rest resistance there is available to mentally comfort oneself even while knowing that the price has been paid. The more sleepless anyone gets, the more the "ideas" gets harmful. If anyone has insomnia, this would be the worse opponent to face on a sleepless night. It ranks up there with spiritual battle against demonic attacks.

This is a testimony /dream of Joshua Harris which he added to his famous book I kiss dating goodbye. I summarised it to bring out only the points I want touched on. Picture yourself as Joshua in this story would be best

Joshua walked into a room. The room as he begin to analise the room is a room that keeps his life records to the smallest details. One of the books he saw was his records of all the crushes he had ever had in his entire life. He was horrified to see how long the list stretched. It was a book! At the same time, he was amazed at the details that was put into the construction of this place. Nothing was left out. It was scary that nothing was left hidden and at the same time amazing that nothing was not recorded. As he walked around looking at the many books kept, he saw another book, times he gotten angry with his parents. He opened it and read it. Instantly memories of all the events flushes back into his mind. Everything was so clear. so detail. And at the end of each account was signed his name with his signature. Proof that it was he who had completed the conduct. The book was not 1 that was light either. Instantly. Like the snap of his fingers. The biggest horror that could hit his mind came. Lustful sin. Where is that book. He browsed around. And found the thickest book in the whole room. It was so old and heavy. Everything was there. No stone not moved. And at the end of each event was his signature. Instantly fear griped him. No one. NO ONE must ever see this room. No one can ever know of this place. Everything about this room must be destroyed. No one can know what kind of life he had led. Like and instant, an animalistic nature came over him and he started wrecking everything about him. destroying all the records at his best. Smashing up the whole room. As he turned around to lock the room, he realised there was no lock to the room. Worse. As he turned around, he realised the room had reverted to what it originally was. Depiction of you cannot change your past. Broken and lost, he dropped to the floor. Feeling as though his life has left him, he felt someone was about to enter the room. Worse moment would be for him to witness someone entering the room. Defeated, he turned around to see who is it. Of all the person. The one he wished to not appear. Jesus. Not him of all people. He sat silent as he watch Jesus walked over to the books. Picked each one of them and read them. Especially accounts of all his darkest sins. Jesus picked those books and read through them. Josh was already in tears. When Jesus finished reading them all, he walked over to Josh, hugged him and cried with him. After that, Jesus went over to all the books. AND SIGNED ALL OF THEM. All that was left for Joshua to do was to continue from the blank pages.

Everytime I read this story. Even as I am typing it now, tears always fill my eyes. Especially the part where Jesus walked up to Josh and hugged him. We want forgiveness for sin but we do not dare to ask for it. For the worse sins we have committed, it is so terrible that even we ourselves cannot forgive ourselves. But at the same time, we do not want to lose whatever companionship that has been given to us. Especially Love relationships. As a result, we try to destroy that room only to realise that the past can never be destroyed. In despair we fall to our knees lost and waiting for death. The benefit of this story is, Jesus is real and he did read everyone of our accounts. Worse than read. He watched us commit them. But he still wants to hug us share our sorrow and acknowledge our will for repentance. The only thing standing between you and him is your ego. I dropped mine. Will you drop yours?

Reference
New Spirit Filled Life Bible. (NKJV) Thomas Nelson, Inc.2002
I kiss dating goodbye. Joshua Harris, Multnomah Publishers, Inc 1997

pleasant thoughts

Soon - Brooke Fraser

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Roped in righteousness, and crowned with love
When I see him I shall be made like him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I will be going
to the place he has prepared for me
There my sin erased, my shamed forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the one I love
With unveiled face I will see him
There my soul will be satisified
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
see the procession
the angels and the elders round the throne
at his feet i will lay crown my worship
Soon and very soon

though I have not seen him
my heart knows him well
Jesus Christ the lamb the lord of heaven

Every time I sing this song, I think of my own father (earthly). When I was young I love to jump onto him in bed and ask him to draw something. Somehow, despite his busy schedule and tiredness after work, he always found time to draw whatever I request. The time I spend in his presence was so enjoyable that nothing can come close to replace it. Whether it is the part of him enjoying drawing what I request or whether it is the part of him admiring the progress of my drawings, I never knew which he delighted in. Probably both. But I do know he delighted in me greatly. Because of this, relating to a heavenly father was no trouble at all. If anything, I can presume I was born in a home everyone dream of.
This post I guess is not complete if I do not talk of the relationship of mine with my heavenly father. From here, it is not hard to imagine this. God himself sitting on a stool beckoning to me to show him my drawings so he can appreciate them and frame them up on his own wall like how my own dad always tell me. And that being just the beginning as God can appreciate me for even more than how I draw.

my worship

As I was worshiping today in church. In fact. When I worship in church. I always have to play a constant battle of focus against my mind. To set my mind clear and focus on only bringing praise to the one being that I am worshiping and not let my mind wonder. If anything, it has been and remains a difficult task since so many things though does not demands worship and adoration, will request attention which leads to adoration and soon, subtle worship. Is it a frustrating thing? Very. I realised, the older I get, the more of these things starts to pile up, the harder worshiping God gets. Releasing ones self to worship properly gets harder and harder. And when one is not careful, one gets so easily caught up in ones own self that one forgets how to adore another and becomes less selfish then forgetting the art of worship- losing ones self.
When I was younger, I had this practice. Every time, before each worship session, I will pray and ask God to forgive me of all my transgressions first. That time, I had an inferiority complex of myself, coupled with the view point that I am a horridly sinful person who can never be accepted before God. Now that I have learned forgiveness, the new problem of remembering the importance of such practice comes. Forgetting who we really are. Forgetting who we are worshiping and what the demand really is. And forgetting what level of performance is required.
I found from worship a lot of foundations to who God, my relationship with God really is. Though it was a small small start, it was enough to help me understand what God really is like and what my relationship with him really is like. I understood to the most minor point of Gods sovereignty. Which was the reason why he deserves worship. Then I felt the love that comes with the presence of his as he comes to be worship, though it was the most superficial form that I have ever felt from him. Nothing beats the quiet times that I have with him in my own room now. Worship also thought me how God hates sin and how sin affects me. I always struggle to worship God with sin affecting me. Especially I done something that I have had a long term struggle with. Those would be the days that my worship mood would suffer the most. Finally, I learned how God is concerned about my well being by lifting my damped and blue mood every time during worship. Those of you who knows me to a more personal level would probably know I am a form of quiet melancholic choleric person. Though you might not see it, I can actually understand emotions of people to a whole new level especially when God reviews it. Thus expressing myself was also something learned during worship. I never really was a person good with reading emotions or expressing them myself. Only from being completely open with God (afterall, keeping the knowledge that there is no hiding anything from him.)
Worship is a process of entertaining God at multiple stages. If you look at it carefully, you will notice that it is not a monotonous program of a single agenda. It is like a theater where performers comes out at different stages to impress. Worship in my opinion should be regarded as the same. You have to impress God on different levels of performance.
As I ponder on it alone, I wonder if God would unite me with a person who worships similarly to the way I would. Reading the words from Joshua Harris's book, worship as a couple orchestrated differently from how a single would, I actually found myself looking forward to it each time I think about it though I know much better than ever that now I should enjoy singlehood to its best, probably because it is one stage of worship I have never experience before. No doubt challenging in its own way.

Game of thrones (book review)

Book review! Book review! For those of you readers wondering which book you should get, which book you should not get, look no further! I will attempt to provide an insight without spoiling the content of the story for you. I will deal with areas like how well the story was handled. The writing techniques, creativity, morality (so you know whether its R rated), and most of all, whether it is worth your time and money. I will even try to paint a picture as to how you might be enjoying the book and probably suggest a suitable environment for the enjoyment of the book. Finally, as always. I will rate the book as a suggestion whether it is worth your while reading it. Sadly, those of you who love horror stories, I will disappoint. I don't do horror here. They creep me out.

A Game of Thrones. ( first book of the popular series by George R.R. Martin)

Like many other tv- book series, they are not very far apart. I don't think it is any spoilers after all, it is known that the show is adapted from the book. There are however many moments parts and clarity to the plot that you would only understand after reading the book. They are one of those moments that can be compared to when you read the Harry Potter book and watch the movie. Where before watching it, you will see a different picture, and after watching it you would go : " Oh, I see. Thats why he made that statement, or oh, thats why they are no longer friends."

The book has a very compelling and provocative story line. One I dare say impresses me as much as C.S. Lewis. It is a good blend of Strong active fighting, lewd romance, gore, politics between peers and friends. Brings real suspense to the heart as you read it. As I reached the middle of the book, I find the excitement so intense that sleeping was quite out of hand. I would highly recommend that no one treats this book as a bed time story. It is way to lively to put anyone to sleep. If anything, you be more actively awake. What more when the language is not too difficult either. I recommend this as a book to read during times of boredom, when one can't find anything else to do and in need of excitement. A good travel companion this book will make. Especially in Trains and Planes. It keeps your mind vividly on it helping you forget the setting of where you are at. I once read it in the library, I nearly jumped myself while musing over the plots. Will not recommend it when you desire quiet, or are in quiet places. I also would not recommend this book during busy times. You need specially allocated time to explore the fantasy in this book. Its one of those where you can't stop halfway and continue it a week later.
Contents. This book is only for mature people. The Author tried his best to give the clearest painting of the medieval world at its ugliest and most realistic. It has lots of sex in it. A lot. I can tell you, every chapter has at least 2 instances of coitus. Intense ones too with relationships that are too taboo for the young minds. It also has loads of Gore which expected of medieval fighting I guess. (imagine M rated anime level gore) It does not hide the political mind games that we play among colleagues if we are serious about power rising or power hugging (the name afterall says it :game of thrones). It will tweak your your brain fairly with its mix blend of cold war and open war approach. If you do not like those stories of " i draw my gun to intimidate and not kill", you shall have to reconsider carefully this book. It has a fair share of fights in it. But a majority is not focus on chopping people up. Its focus on how anyone at any position is able to join the game of power struggle. Very shrewdly written. Will make you feel cunningly smart after finishing the book. ( i hope the picture is now painted)
The author is very creative. Did a fair amount of research and reading too. Nothing super factual as it focuses in a fantasy world. But the reaction of people, the emotional trauma and anger is too realistic to say that the author had not done research in human behavior and politics. ( though not enough to say he got a degree in that area.) Most books has only 1 focal point character whose personality is developed. LOTR has about 7 whom you know a fair amount of. This book as about that same amount too. All simultaneously developed. And not neglected.
Problem. This is one of the books that wears you out as you read it because of the devotion you must provide it. Not one where you can stop halfway. I find that if I stop reading it halfway, I have to start from the beginning again. Not that I cannot remember the plot, but I lost sight of the color the author as painted.
Price. I got mine for about 7 pounds. I forgot the price in Malaysia. But I can assume it would not be any cheaper than UK. depending on the price the book is. any higher than 9 pounds (45 ringgit) is not worth your while. In fact. be skeptical if it is at 45 ringgit. As yourself how much are you willing to pay for a book that you would truely enjoy during your time traveling in a bus than before you sleep. The question you need to ask is not how good the story is. But the time devotion you must give to enjoy this book to get your moneys worth.. My opinion, you need 2 weeks of continuous reading of 1 hour a day of the book to get your moneys worth. Its not one book you can skip for even 1 day. You will lose the thrill installed in it. Its like leaving a hot chocolate in the kitchen till the next day. But for the skill and creativity put in by the author for his area of story type, I would even pay 12 pounds for the book have I have the time to read them.
Considering all including price of the book, I give this book.  8/10

references:
A Game of Thrones, George R.R. Martin, Harper Collins 2011
A Clash of Kings, George R.R. Martin, Harper Collins 2011

reading the most painful details

Today I started my quiet time on the materials of Romans. Boy is it some painful book to read. Constantly reminding me of the different sins that I have. Even some that I never knew of but are more serious than that which I used to do and probably am still doing.
Today I went through the chapter 1 and 2. Boy is this hard to write it without sounding judgmental. But I really have no intention to judge anyone, least of all the readers of this for I myself have been judged according to the scale of God and found terribly lacking in every area. If anything, God had to put the weight of his son on my side of the scale to balance against the other side. It is nicely encouraging that in the opening of the chapter 1, Paul says in verse 16 and verse 17 : for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith ; as it is written, the just shall live by faith. This apparently might be all the comfort you will find, and as I read on the 2 chapters, I found myself having to constantly remind myself, my salvation is not by works but by grace and mercy. I do not judge you. Only God does. If this post does makes you feel bad in anyway, please do not consider me being the one rebuking you, for do note that I do not know who is reading this. I merely write this as a reflection to my daily quiet time. In fact, it is pretty hard to write it all out because it personally deals with me. If you do feel that tingling poking on you when you read this post coming with the logging to shrug this post off, please don't. Continue to read it. For you do not know if God meant for you to read it. Though loving it, I do not intend to force anyone nor invite anyone to share my perspectives. I invite you to allow God to use my writings to speak to you. So please read it to the end. If even the slightest bit of it brings you closer to God, then the mission I have set out for has been completed.

Sin
Right after verse 17 straight came verse 18 where the bashing truly starts. God reviews himself to all. His invisible attributes are seen by all. and understood by all. Even his eternal power and Godhead so there being no excuse. Before you deny that, ask yourself. have you ever considered human race to be the most superior thing on this plain of existence. Not using the word earth here because that would limit us all to the perceptions of the physical. I am talking both physical and spiritual. Example, Ghost as many people acknowledge are superior beings to humans. No one has ever spoken themselves as any equal to spirits and their kind. Everyone has some kind of reverence, whether it is fear or something else for them. Thus the over loading of horror/ spiritual/ fantasy movies and shows. But this is not for establishment of their existence  The point is whether people believe it or not, they do have some level of "know" that a superior being exist.
the passage continues by saying, the core root of all the immoralities comes from the dis-acknowledgement of God being the author and finisher of life. With people wanting to take things into their own hands, God gave them over to their carnal desires and and dishonoring of their own bodies. He gave them over to a totally debased mind.
After reading that passage, I start to reflect back upon my life. I have gave in to my carnal desires before. And I have no lack of them. Neither do I lack in ideas to dishonor myself. If anything. I might be able to invent new ones. It scares me to think that I am so distant from God. The picture that was painted in my mind was not that because I sin, thus I face the wrath of God. But rather, by rejecting God, we are subjected to his wrath which is the distancing of his presence which results in us having not the power to defend ourselves against our most carnal and horrid nature. It is like wearing a shirt made out of live ants and scorpions and as they bite and sting, we shake them of hard only to have them retaliate harder. Imagine all the insects crawling around your body. That is how we look in sin. Disgusting. But if you ask me why the exasperation, I would say when we sin, our body comes close to being defiled by insects. And many films comes to mind where a corrupt soul gets consumed inside out by bugs. Ie: the mummy, fire ant, Constantine  possessed. Disgusting. Horrifying. But what comes closer to reality will be the movie supernatural. The more we sin. Take note how deprive we look each time we plunge further. Also, take note of what we come to associate ourselves as we sin even further. Do you see a trend? And does not that trend horrifies you even to one bit? The soul and spirit of one is the most important part of ones being. Imagine what happens when you lose or had your soul and spirit replaced by something else. It be all easier that when your soul and spirit dies, it dies. But in truth it doesn't. Imagine each time you go to sleep, you see sadako (ghost from the ring) coming up to eat you, devour you. slow, gnashing  gnawing. Thats how you die spiritually. Being eaten. Only worse. you can't "die" in the spirit realm. The equivalent of dying in the spirit realm is torture. Endless. gruesome inward eating in. Imagine seeing a horrifying ghost. Now imagine that ghost evolving to be stronger and stronger each time you enter the night. That is. my friend. Sin. We are subjected to it as far as we reject God.
Chapter 2. This time, it starts by saying we are inexcusable. How we know what is right and wrong? Our ability to judge someone else. Just by merely commenting on how badly someone has done something, we are indirectly saying we could have done it better. Only worse than alcohol talk, that is our pride talking. Rashly. Irrational. The bible continues to say. As we judge, we elevate ourselves to a state of mind thinking we are better of. But are we truly excused? No. God then unmercifully bears down on us going further to say. By your own measuring rod will I judge you. And let me ask you. In your own standards. How far can  you honestly go. It was a painful reminder of how truly dependent are we. Worse. How good we are at denying we are dependent to the extend we believe we are independent.
If you do feel compelled about what I have written, it is not me who has compelled you. It is God. for a normal person would not feel remorse at the end of these. It takes conviction from God and a strong person to accept his falls. But it takes a greater step to go further and desire change. I have no prayer for you for I know you already has been spoken to by God. In the words of A.W. Tozer, Submit your life to Christ. Relieve your life. Go out there and live it in the image of Christ.

reference:
New Spirit Filled Life Bible. (NKJV) Thomas Nelson, Inc.2002
The Best Of AW Tozer, A.W. Tozer, Grand Rapids, Mich: Baker Book House, 1978)

marriage

To the amusement of all, the first time I proposed to a girl was at the age of 5 in the kindergarden. I literally asked the girl to be my wife and I told her I will take care of her. Now I come to think of it, I feel all too amused by it. What makes me like the memory was that the girl did not rejected me. innocently, We became really close friends not considering the commitments or responsibilities of any kind. That was one of the fondest memories of a girl I had during childhood. I considered better than any bgr relationship I gotten into. I guess to a certain extend, knowledge is harmful. Girls somehow hated me regardless of how I treated them. So when reaching primary school, I dislike a lot of them.

Anyway, back on topic, marriage. Surely it has been on every guys mind at a certain point or season. considerations of it and all. I remember during secondary school, it is an unspoken rule that those who grow up to not have a wife will die a sad sad sad life. So begun the plight of hunting for a girlfriend. If any girls read this, yes. Lame. I know. But to us, we rather be lame than think we d lead a sad lonely life at that time. Anyway, with all sharing the same mind that only sad and unwanted people don't have girlfriends, i spend a lot of time with my secondary school exchanging notes on pleasing girls. All the techniques that we have used that brought success were treated as some kind of secret weapon. Or at least that was how I treated it. And when it didn't work, I started scratching my head. it also didn't take me long to notice that it was not trophies and wins in competitions that attracts the girl I really want. Oh. I don't really know which girl I wanted then also. At that time, any girl who scores as a pretty girl is a girl I want. Of course that changed so much now. Now. I have absolutely no idea what kind of girl I want. Hahahaha.

If not for me thinking about it again, I would not be posting it. But I started reflecting upon my thoughts. of course, 1 1 starts refining his thoughts along side Gods thoughts to change for the better, so motives, wants changes to fit a purpose more desireable towards pleasing God. Still that does not changes the fact that I do crave for a future of getting married. Not now, definitely. But in the future not too distant. So I found myself asking God. "how will I know the right one has arrive?" that was one of the few times God didn't take long to respond. In fact. He gave me answers for the whole day in different part's. 

There is a prince who lives on his own with a whole country belonging to him. The prince has completed no little exploits and gained favour in many. The only thing he does not have is someone to share what he gained with. Lonely was he as no companion was of the same status as he nor of the same knowledge to be his companion. One day, hearing from one of his servants that a neighbouring kingdom is reknown for their women being both pretty and smart. The prince then pick his tunic and traveled to that kingdom. There he came before the king and ask the king for his permission to look for a wife in his country.  The king then look closely and examine the prince, then called the servants to summoned his daughter. Understanding what this means, the prince was all too eager to meet the daughter. the first girl that came into the hall was fair, pretty, and well dressed. Already the prince was charmed by her. The king noticed and as the prince was about to approach her, he boomed at the prince, that is not my daughter, that is my maidservant. Don't be silly going after her. For I cannot permit a prince to come to my house for my servant when I am ready to present him my daughter. Ambarrassed, the prince step back, stood next to the king and appologise. The next girl came in, and was 4 times prettier and more well dressed than the previous. The prince thought surely this is the one. But before he could move, the king said, ah, the personal maid is here. Wait a while longer. My daughter always walks behind all her servants. In anxiousness, the prince stood looking at all the pretty maidservants passby. Finally, enters the princess. At this the king came down from his throne and went to hold his daughter. Turning to the prince, he said. "This is my daughter. You can find no finer women in this whole country. I personally taught her manners and dressed her up with the best linen I have. She is my youngest daughter and my favorite. You can have her if you can promise me you will give her your best."After the lord finished telling his story. I resolved to only give my best since I will be getting the best. Time to stop looking at maidservants.

Hate, anger, vengefulness

Today is one of the days where I actually experience a whole new level of them. Never in my life have I crave the death of someone before. Never in my life was I ever capable of looking at a photograph and wish to God that person died. Can I kill? I have dreamed of myself killing an entire nation before. The question at hand is not how much vengeance do I crave. Its what kind of lesson or craving am I seeking that makes me struggle so hard to forgive this time?
When love gets shortchanged, the next thing that comes after that is a hate so great that overcomes mere emotional love and translate it into hate so great. Naruto depleted it so well. Its one that is strong enough to even give new powers to someone. To a certain extend, I would agree with that perspective. Until you experience hate of such level, you will probably never understand the trill of killing. I never killed physically, but I can tell you, the feeling when you have killed someone in a video game while harboring this kind of feelings is sensationally evil. Deep in you can suddenly boil an anger so great that you would be willing to trade a life for another.
So where does this anger comes from? It comes from a subtle thirst for retribution. A thirst for right to be done. Is such thirst righteous? It is. But to what extend does it becomes bad? when forgiveness blows its way out of the window. Without forgiveness, retribution will transcend into anger and hate. And where does this goes to next? great suffering.
Oh dear God please calm down my heart. Put sense back into my head. Do not let me sleep with so much anger in my head.

walking on the fence

How it would feel when one person has to make a decision to make but has mix feelings about both sides of the decisions. Whether or whether not to? A "good mixture" of such feelings would be when love and hate has blended together. One cannot help but identify with golum. Hates the ring and yet loves the ring. Similarly, one can also hate this life, and yet love it. Simpler it would be when identifying which is right and wrong would be easy peasy. Imagine how amusing it will be if there is no right or wrong to the decision made, but a clear change of lifestyle, trend of influence, social networks, or even modifications to belief system has to be made.
Have you tried walking on the fence before? I have. And I always fall down. Most of the time we think we can fall over to the side we prefer. Mathematically, the odds of that happening is 50%. but in real life, we only end up on the side we dread most. Most people would then proceed to blaming God as to why their life  being so miserable, failing to realise that life's decision making has to be a black or white kind.You either go over the fence or you never. For if you want life to be good, then you have to be on Gods side. fencing will end in God spitting you out.
The interesting about fence walking is the longer you walk on it, the higher it goes, and the thinner the fence gets. Also, it is note worthy that no matter how well someone can balance on that fence, sooner or later he falls for he will get tired. Everyone always think how capable they are at climbing such a fence. True. We can be very skillful at climbing such fences. The problem is no one is superman who doesn't get tired. And even superman can get tired.
If you have ever tried walking on a fence before, you will realise that it is very hard to keep your eyes on the fence for very long too. Once in a while, the left side looks nicer, the right side nicer. the footing without doubt is better, and not to mention, no need to worry about falling down from a fence. No one looks at the fence forever. Sooner, he will want to jump down from the fence.
So what happens after one falls down from the fence or willingly jump down from it? One gets bruised real badly. Some might even come out with broken bones. I know i broke a lot of things coming down from mine. The worse thing about the life's fence is no one completely comes of it. There is always parts of us who still endear the fence. Sooner or later, we are going to have to withdraw more parts of ourselves from the fence and make a decision. The floor is not kind either. It does not see if you have broken anything previously, or if you have never fell before. its blind anyway. Worse kind of pain is when one fell without realising that he hit the floor. Makes people start looking for something to learn from the pain, but in reality, there is nothing to learn from it. Just senseless pain waiting in the darkness with stings worse than a scorpion.

So, if we fall of the fence, what do we do next?
"why do we fall master Bruce? So we can pick ourselves up again." -Alfred
As long as your willing, Hope abundance waits in the form of a holed hand.

crossroads

This moments probably are ones which when they come, it can't be told which is right and which is wrong. Personally, I struggled to tell between which is Gods direction. Sometimes even after looking back in the past, I do wonder what will happen if the other alternative was taken. Despite not regreting the decision that was made because I could still appreciate the reasonings and the boundaries of that time, I do wonder what would have happened had I decided to prioritise differently. The outcomes was absolutely ambigious. Mostly, till now I cannot tell what would have happened if alternatively, the other reasoning that I had available would have been followed. It sometimes makes me feel like life is a game of chess. Only, I don't just haven't got a plan to checkmate, I haven't even discover the opponent king yet. In fact, I am still discovering a lot of my pieces. Probably do not even realise which piece has left the board. The most confusing part of the game of life is pieces doesn't just leave the board. They come back as well.
In a war game, decisions are usually made knowing the stakes involved, the men you have, and the men he possibly might have. The problem with life is you would probably have trouble even knowing the terrain. There are times where I did feel like I was only left with one pawn in life, when suddenly rooks started appearing out of nowhere, only to vanish again. There are also times when I thought I found my queen, which turns out to be another pawn that I am hopping would be promoted into a queen.
Ah yes. then there is also the element of listening to the voice of God that Christians observe. I personally find it getting harder and harder each day as though I am trying to look for a tread that keeps getting thinner at night. People usually says that as you would get closer to God, his voice gets louder and louder. They don't tell you that as you get closer to God, he does not expect you to stay the same, thus increasing the diffculty of listening adding a more difficult element of faith to it sometimes even changing the whole ball game of faith that I used to play by.
Now. With all these in mind, and also the knowledge that once you chosen, there is no turning back, how is there not a lot of pressure in these decisions.

my faith game

Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. -- Kristian Stanfill

Up to today, the words that I read years ago, "faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains." has never left me. I am still astonished by what God says he is capable and the comfort there is in knowing that he is capable, and even more comfortable to know that he is willing.
once again, my mind is burdened by what faith truly is. What is its mechanism. There is always so much there is to it, and yet there is so little there is to it.
Yesterday I came across 2 phases that made my mind go wild. 
1.) Borrowed faith
We do know our faith is already so little. No one in this world has ever seen a mountain move, thus that means everyone on earth only have faith smaller than a mustard seed? I am reminded of the notion of "child like faith" which sounds similar to blind faith. In fact, sometimes, if not all the time, God tends to call us to believe in things we have completely no understanding or revelation in at all, and only in believing and doing, then waiting upon the end result, does it gets clearer and clearer. The faith is in God, but that still does feels like blind following at the start. Worse than blind following. The road is not even visible many at times. The only thing that is seen in the front is that extended hand that is holding yours.
when such circumstances arises, I wish I can borrow faith from somewhere and add it to my own. Better. I wish I can be given faith by an extra measure and bulk to believe because my heart says go in capitals, but my mind says stay.. Some extra faith from somewhere else will be good in helping me fight my doubts.

2.) the losing battle that death is fighting
this is even more of a harder battle for me. Everywhere I go, death seems to scream out look at the people. I have won. no one can escape me.  Faith then turns round in a louder voice and screams I have not lost! Why are you losing hope!
Though learning, knowing, studied, and taught God never loses, I wish most of the time that things can be a lot easier. A lot simpler. Less thinking if you will. More results. Better still if instantly. Hard ball that faith drives around is how slow it likes to take things that sometimes you wonder if it might be too late. The only thing is faith is never too late where it is needed. Yesterday I was reminded that Jesus can raise people from the dead signifying complete dominance over even death which we believe to be unavoidable. Indirectly, it also goes against popular believes held by many christians that when a person dies, its the end. Judgement is now decided. However, now with Jesus in the picture even the death principle can be neglected since when God feels like it, he can raise the person back to life and thus what I call the principle of "borrowed grace" 
there are times where circumstances are actually ordained by God to not succeed and fail. But that is not today's lesson. Today, I learn that not even the notion of fail/ succeed is a relevant factor in Gods decision making process. As God, he can do anything he wants to make anything happen.

heart felt

Sometimes when I wake up, I do wish I can tell the people who have wronged me, and I suspect their too ashamed to approach me, that I forgive them. I truly do. That I hold no grudge against them. Though things cannot return to the way they were before, I still extend my hand out to shake theirs, and would welcome them in the best way I can as though I have just met them.
And to apologize to those whom till now I am too ashamed to speak to them. I sincerely wish for courage during a given chance to apologize.

conscience

The inner voice inside your head being the know it all. -by me
I guess the main question is when to listen to it and when not to? Sometimes I wonder if the answer should be always listen to it. Today I learned it the hard way for probably the 100 time that my mind can never beat my conscience in being correct about something.
I once remember a very wise friend who told me, if in my guts I feel like there is something wrong, that is because there is. And most of the case, my guts tells me, but I never listen. Now I dig my own grave.

whirpool

The moment when you wake up remembering some regret. And despite having a solution, the problem still hangs swirling around the head coming back and fourth reluctant to be gone.