Letter to God from a distressed leader

Dear God
Recently this new job that you have given me is proving to be too difficult for my own capabilities.
What is this new responsibility of a leader that you require of me? Why is it so large and yet I am so small? What are you trying to show here? All glory do I give to you, I regard not all my ways and always have been diligently seeking your delightful plan day by day. Day by day I strive to find joy and fulfillment in you as I pursue what I believe to be your purpose.
Oh dear God. I have always prayed show me your desire and your will. Help me love it, help me desire it, and help me do it. Why is it now that you have helped me desire it, but not help me love it or do it.

as a leader.. what do I do? what do I say? All these lines to juggle. so much to watch out for. Tangibles.. Intangibles...
Day and night I kneel before you seeking you for guidance. Day and night I stand before you providing an account of the people you left into my care. All I have desired have never been personal gain. All have been in the interest of you. I personally have stood in the face of my own personal desires and renounce them. Yet why God after I have sacrifice so much, you reward me with little?
The delights my heart desires. Have I not renounced them so I could obtain your pleasing will? Yet why do you prosper my enemies. Bring delightful women into their lives. Bring failure into my life. Shame to my face. And have my enemies mock me? My enemies laugh at your clause. They mock your ways! While I have never left you. Look at them laugh at me while I worship you. Look at them laugh at me when I practice your law. They stand before me asking where are you. Where is your God. Why would he care. They question your hate for sin! They question your desire for diligence! They have their head held high above the ground and in the sky! Oh lord look how they prosper!
Speak o God. Tell me where displeases you with the job I have done. Tell me what better results could have been produced given the current capabilities that you have given me. Have me listen, and I will repent! Have me hear, for I am not deaf. Here you find me on my knees desiring only for you. Rebuke me so I can see what your delightful plan is! .....
......
So that I do not remain blind and deaf

I guess it all goes back to the same old question at the end of the day. God.. Where do you want me to be. What do you want me to be. How do you want me to be.

And what will you have me do now?

If you will have it be that I am the elected leader of appointment ordained by you, then don't leave me here. I don't know what to do. I don't know who is for me, and who is not. I know I long for a partner so badly already for I see so much insufficiency in myself but yet so much that requires detailed, delicate full attention. Still you require that I find fullness in you. Neither has your calling ever lessen. You will not hear of it that your plans be short changed. You will never bear it that I do not fulfill a single task of your glorious plan. For you know that your ways alone can prosper me. Your ways alone brings life and without you I am doom.

When all forsake me o God, where will you be?

Dear God I need you

                                                                                                                         your distressed servant

heart

One of the hardest things to guard. I always dread my heart. Making me cannot sleep at wee hours in the night. My biggest and most common cry is expressed in the song "still". How I wish at times, I can just shut my head in and not think of anything else but what I need to be thinking off. Then again... what I need can be a very subjective thing to my own knowledge for I am not infinite to know what I really need. So frustrating this walk of not knowing what is coming next.

I don't know of anyone other than myself who have actually cried out to God, please, please please take away my feelings. I don't want to have emotions. Only you alone knows how great my struggle are with my emotions. On one hand, trusting them are my greatest assets, and on the other hand, trusting them have been also my greatest burden, and down fall.

I have a love hate relationship with a lot of things. Ok. that's a very strong line to pull. More like... Mix feelings about many things. For example, I do like the auto correct on the iphone because typing becomes a lot more like lazy man's work. All it needs is for the computer to get what I am trying to tell it. Whereas on the other hand, a lot of times, it ended up sending things I did not intended for it to because it auto corrected the words to something else. Especially slangs and phases of Malaysia I use. Likewise, emotions.  I need them to please God or else, I might not even know if I am loving someone or not. On the other hand, I do not want my emotions because when I go up, up, up, I tend to not notice things so well. Whereas, if I go down down down, i become very very unproductive. Having it is really a pain. PAIN IN THE ASS.

One of the things God convicted me of again is the love for singlehood. Do I really love singlehood? Or I am trying to get away from loneliness. So much mix feelings about it when Relationships with girls I really desire for starts coming my way and I do not know what to do about it. Really.. really... if only I have more skills in separating my emotions... I can definitely make a better rational decision. God help me.... Slap this heart.