Letter to God from a distressed leader

Dear God
Recently this new job that you have given me is proving to be too difficult for my own capabilities.
What is this new responsibility of a leader that you require of me? Why is it so large and yet I am so small? What are you trying to show here? All glory do I give to you, I regard not all my ways and always have been diligently seeking your delightful plan day by day. Day by day I strive to find joy and fulfillment in you as I pursue what I believe to be your purpose.
Oh dear God. I have always prayed show me your desire and your will. Help me love it, help me desire it, and help me do it. Why is it now that you have helped me desire it, but not help me love it or do it.

as a leader.. what do I do? what do I say? All these lines to juggle. so much to watch out for. Tangibles.. Intangibles...
Day and night I kneel before you seeking you for guidance. Day and night I stand before you providing an account of the people you left into my care. All I have desired have never been personal gain. All have been in the interest of you. I personally have stood in the face of my own personal desires and renounce them. Yet why God after I have sacrifice so much, you reward me with little?
The delights my heart desires. Have I not renounced them so I could obtain your pleasing will? Yet why do you prosper my enemies. Bring delightful women into their lives. Bring failure into my life. Shame to my face. And have my enemies mock me? My enemies laugh at your clause. They mock your ways! While I have never left you. Look at them laugh at me while I worship you. Look at them laugh at me when I practice your law. They stand before me asking where are you. Where is your God. Why would he care. They question your hate for sin! They question your desire for diligence! They have their head held high above the ground and in the sky! Oh lord look how they prosper!
Speak o God. Tell me where displeases you with the job I have done. Tell me what better results could have been produced given the current capabilities that you have given me. Have me listen, and I will repent! Have me hear, for I am not deaf. Here you find me on my knees desiring only for you. Rebuke me so I can see what your delightful plan is! .....
......
So that I do not remain blind and deaf

I guess it all goes back to the same old question at the end of the day. God.. Where do you want me to be. What do you want me to be. How do you want me to be.

And what will you have me do now?

If you will have it be that I am the elected leader of appointment ordained by you, then don't leave me here. I don't know what to do. I don't know who is for me, and who is not. I know I long for a partner so badly already for I see so much insufficiency in myself but yet so much that requires detailed, delicate full attention. Still you require that I find fullness in you. Neither has your calling ever lessen. You will not hear of it that your plans be short changed. You will never bear it that I do not fulfill a single task of your glorious plan. For you know that your ways alone can prosper me. Your ways alone brings life and without you I am doom.

When all forsake me o God, where will you be?

Dear God I need you

                                                                                                                         your distressed servant

heart

One of the hardest things to guard. I always dread my heart. Making me cannot sleep at wee hours in the night. My biggest and most common cry is expressed in the song "still". How I wish at times, I can just shut my head in and not think of anything else but what I need to be thinking off. Then again... what I need can be a very subjective thing to my own knowledge for I am not infinite to know what I really need. So frustrating this walk of not knowing what is coming next.

I don't know of anyone other than myself who have actually cried out to God, please, please please take away my feelings. I don't want to have emotions. Only you alone knows how great my struggle are with my emotions. On one hand, trusting them are my greatest assets, and on the other hand, trusting them have been also my greatest burden, and down fall.

I have a love hate relationship with a lot of things. Ok. that's a very strong line to pull. More like... Mix feelings about many things. For example, I do like the auto correct on the iphone because typing becomes a lot more like lazy man's work. All it needs is for the computer to get what I am trying to tell it. Whereas on the other hand, a lot of times, it ended up sending things I did not intended for it to because it auto corrected the words to something else. Especially slangs and phases of Malaysia I use. Likewise, emotions.  I need them to please God or else, I might not even know if I am loving someone or not. On the other hand, I do not want my emotions because when I go up, up, up, I tend to not notice things so well. Whereas, if I go down down down, i become very very unproductive. Having it is really a pain. PAIN IN THE ASS.

One of the things God convicted me of again is the love for singlehood. Do I really love singlehood? Or I am trying to get away from loneliness. So much mix feelings about it when Relationships with girls I really desire for starts coming my way and I do not know what to do about it. Really.. really... if only I have more skills in separating my emotions... I can definitely make a better rational decision. God help me.... Slap this heart.

what on earth

Am I doing with a law degree?

Unity

The importance can only be illustrated by this simple example

As you all know, the state of affairs in Malaysia is such that there is a bias switch of support from the current government to the opposition party because of the way the government ran their policies and make them. With so many unfulfilled promises and unpopular decisions after losing nearly all the trust of the people, it is not surprising that they are turning into the underdogs of the elections, so when they won the support of the people of Kluang, it was no surprise.
However, the support that was given to the opposition team in Kluang was not all that strong either, and I soon found out why.
I recieved news from a lot of people even my parents who are people who don't simply channel information around just for the sake of having people follow their opinion., that the opposition team in Kluang is doing a very bad job. I was to find out soon enough too.
The people of Dap Kluang does not really associate much with the people of Kluang. So much for fighting for the rights of the people er? The people of Kluang barely knows who is in the Dap party of Kluang, where the old dap office was. You won't hear of dap politicians making time to hang out or have dinner with the people, well, not yet at least. I can understand the proposition of Dap not having a lot of money thus not being able to host a lot of what MCA had the luxury of hosting, but there is still much one could do while being a leader in getting to know the people whom you serve. I have to admit, while being a fan of DAP, this fact has been undoubtedly true of DAP. That beneath the kind mask are also ugly vulgar symbols of political greed, or even worse. Carnal greed.
Admittedly, People on MCA have better reputation for helping the people of Kluang as well.
However, I felt that the people of Kluang were very ready to pardon all these mistakes. The problem is the disunity of DAP branch in Kluang is terrible. One of the worse in my opinion, granting a very bad impression to the people, giving them the idea that the politicians in DAP Kluang have a way of doing things that is exactly the same as MCA, which really is not the case.
A case of action speaks louder than words. But this is a really good example of  disunity taking the toll of the would be saviors of the town.

Conviction and vision

I shared the conviction of one of my close friends to another good friend of mine. It still puzzles me how people under the same God, same church, same ministry, can reject each others conviction as though it is false preaching. Being a 3rd party to the whole issue, I don't wholly agree with the conviction or drive for change in that area. But I can see where the desire and passion of it arise from.
I was having one of those small talks with my friend and it went to politics of course. We started talking about issues that were brought to knowledge by the general public in many places regarding the Malaysian general election. There is this huge issue of unfairness, and of course.. everyone heard of the blackouts that took place. Apparently a whole lot of it was just puffed up conspiracy theories to conspire against the government. But at the same time, the 2 of us came to acknowledge that there has to be a certain element of truth to the news that was provided because people just don't cook up stories out of no-where to spread. There has to be a certain amount of truth to it no matter how small the truth is, so we both concluded that in some rural areas where communication is a lot worse than it usually is, it might have happened.
The point is, where there is an area that requires change that someone else is convicted about while we are not and probably not in agreement with as well, we will automatically shunt him off and label him as misguided. And when that happens, a whole new area of vision and progress just gets destroyed like that.
Some of the things that I noticed people experiences or struggle with that causes misunderstandings of such.

1) bad communication skills
be it that the person is bad with his language or just bad at expressing themselves, this would be one of the largest reasons why people misunderstood each other. I personally experienced a lot of it. And it can arise from a lot of reasons. Bad language command, fear, especially when wanting to impress another. Somehow ideas just won't flow from a person to another simply because the person explaining the idea is really bad at it.

2.) reputation
The circumstance of my local government represents the best example to this. Over the years, corruption has painted a strongly demented image of the government resulting in the people interpreting all the actions of the government as bad. As a result of that, all the actions of the government is now interpreted by everyone as having a corrupted vision, or not vision at all. let alone a conviction.
3.) Pride and ego
Some people just have their heads so puffed up that they now fail to see the works and ministry of others around them no matter how clearly explained.

Alright. So how does one overcome all these to bring a vision across to another person? After all, if people are really that impossible to work with, that leadership would be a sector people would not bother to venture into because it has little returns.
Patience. The maturing person will sooner or later come to a stage of maturity that would enable them to see the big picture which they currently can't see with their level of maturity. Painful it is to practice the enduring patience of waiting for that maturity or even teaching them to be that mature. I found it a delightfully rewarding to bring someone up to a greater level of Godly maturity, but that apparently I realised, is a calling that not everyone is meant to be following .
Love. what truely is the hardest is loving someone more than you love yourself. This however is not a chose-able thing to do, but a requirement for all who are Christians. But at the same time, having been empowered by God, should not be something that is thought of as impossible to practice.
Slowing down. Slow down to hear. Speak less. My dad who is someone regarded by everyone he works with and the church as well, as a person who no one should have a problem with. My church leaders and his co-workers use him as a benchmark to identify people who are difficult to work with. How do they do that? Anyone who cannot work with my dad is a person with bad character. I approached by dad and ask him how to speak to people and understand people better. His answer to me has always been the same till today. Listen to what other people are saying. Don't always want to talk about yourself. It has been an advice that I found hard to follow, but greatly beneficial in following

identifying the egoistics

Self-centered- which results in being
-selfish
-intolerant
-indifferent
-ignorant
-unkind
-lazy

low-self-esteem- which results in being
-self assuring
-self confident
-self righteous
-desiring independence
-suspicious (contributing factor)
-rash
-arrogant
-judgmental
-workaholic (tendency)

Ashamed- which results in being
-defensive
-suspicious
-crafty (contributing factor)
-permissive

When faith wears thin

Allow me to ask this question. Which comes first. Fear or the losing of faith? Or do you start doubting and mistrusting someone first, then only start losing faith in them?
For me, I realise everything starts small, and always a compromise. Oh, how I grief God with my compromising ways. It usually starts with a "alright, this is the last time I will be doing this, or a this will be the only time I don't do this, and then the escalation starts from there, increasing ridiculously in the omission count, or exponentially in things that I should not be doing. Purity has always been, and now remains to be an area that I never won a fight in. What more to know that on top of sucking so bad at this fight, people around me does not seem to, or rather, my peers never seem to have any trouble with this area. Not as bad as me at least. That frustrates me the most because now, its hard not to see inferiority in myself. Gosh writing this is hard. I hope no one really sees this. (haha. how impossible is that)
Have you ever been though the moments when you know your just lukewarm. Your not among those "elites", yet your not among the "trash" either. Often. Often do I find it hard to share/ select a friend to be close to.

Genesis

Again, I have completed the bible from cover to cover. Each time I complete it, I feel like I have finished a whole huge achievement and want to share my success with others around me. What a mile stone I went on. Quite hard it has been though, finding people who would share my joy. Probably God is teaching me to find contentment in his lone, sole applause.
Anyway, since one has completed reading the bible from cover to cover, what does one do next? re-read it again from cover to cover. All the way back to genesis.
This time, as I re-embark on a new journey to finish the bible from cover to cover, I am looking at the bible differently again. Probably because I am more honest to myself, as well as more knowing and understanding towards myself, I realise I tend to treat genesis not a book as it should be.
When you read the bible, can you get the emotions that runs through it as well? Can you get the feelings that God felt when you go  through each event and moment in history in the eyes of God?
I used to avoid reading genesis for many reasons. 1 because the idea that there is nothing I can learn from it was greatly planted in my head. That everything there is to be learned is already thought in the rest of the books. The other reason is because genesis always felt like a book of tragedy. Especially upon reaching the story of Noah, it feels like you can see the sorrow that went through God. Nothing beats the pain of destroying something you love.
At the same time, while the people of God turns their face against his, God in love does not turn away, but creates routes for them. Seeing how God puts up with them, while knowing that they are intentionally running away and angering him is very saddening. Yet in his mercy, he creates ways and kindness for the purpose of sustaining them and hopefully, guide them back.
Going through Genesis again allows me to feel the pain that God feels regarding creating something that he loves so bad that he wants to bring it/he,she to a whole new place and purpose of life each time, which each moment being better than the previous, then having to change its destiny to being destroyed. It seems so not logical that many people stop believing because they cannot accept the premise that Someone with so much love can also destroy. People forget the inevitability of consequence. In the world of justice and righteousness that we seek, we are actually asking God to kill us.
I pray that at the end of every reading of Genesis, we grow more compassionate and merciful to the people around us.

Shame

It diminishes one, but not in a humbling way. Listing a few words that will explain it all
- lost of self worth
- no face
- fear
- defensive
- compromise
- unforgiving
- lost

Now, where was that "magic" formula I found...

Man Shall not live on bread alone..

I used to never really understood what does this verse really meant and I kinda found it curious what does Jesus really meant when he mentioned this verse. Surely he does not mean that we do not need to eat to live. If he meant that with faith we can get through life without eating, then I don't just find that hard to believe, I would find myself in a position of being hard to accept it as well.
These days, morning seems to be more and more different to me. Hunger seems to affect me more in the morning than any other times. In fact, my mood changes when I am hungry. Due to my cravings for food, I tend to become a different person. Fearful, rash, mean, unpolished. When I am hungry, I find that that is the period of time when my mind struggles most to do things that pleases God. Its like a senseless me, and when I regain my senses after eating, I start to regret all that I said and all that I have done. It used to be when I have just woke up from my sleep, I will be really grumpy and mean to the people around me. The ones who would noticed this sooner than later would be my family members. God knows how many times they had to put up with my grumpy side.
Confronted by God, I knew I cannot let such circumstances make me sin against God. In fact, I cannot let any circumstances allow me to sin against God for I am fully equipped to please God in every circumstances. Thats when the bible really spoke to me. Men shall not live on bread alone, but by every word from the mouth of God. The word of God is and will be the only thing I rely on in the future. God forbid it that I rely on bread to go about not sinning.

from the books written by Paul, to 2nd Peter, to 1st John

I don't know about you, but if you do noticed, there have been extensive references of the human perceptions and tendencies as lusting of the flesh. 3 of the most quoted book writers of the bible writing about one same issue and actually dwelling on it extensively in all 3 books. All 3 authors did not specify it to be one specific sin that is being of great trouble. Curiously, unlike what was dealt with in the old testaments, which was pride, the new testament equated this human desires to carnal human desires. Carnal intentions. Carnal human activities. Any desire of humankind which can be associated with the world would be regarded as worldly. Any desire which intends to profit from the world, and enjoy it, is regarded as a carnal lustful desire which should be purged. With this, I can understand how did it lead the general population to start having perspectives that the bible does not encourages marriage, that the bible does not encourages relationships.
The 3 authors then proceeded to establishing the case of total dependence. Total dependence on God for emotional stability, direction and enjoyment. Total dependence on God for all our wants and our needs. It interest me to no end to note how much God wants to be involved in our most minute wants and desires.
I never really understood what it really meant when God used to say I am a jealous God. Or rather, I did know what it meant, but never really understood what depth was he referring to, or how much depending on God really meant.
A lot of times, if not most of the times, I find that depending on God in my life meant that I would be doing the things I want in the way that I won't want it done or would never believed would work. The curious thing is there are, if not a lot of times that God would not work because of lack of belief. He wants us to allow him to do things his way in obtaining the things we want, but at the same time coming in full belief and acceptance to the way he intends to carry it out.
I admit that this area is one of the areas I am terribly weak at. Learning to trust God, learning to allow God. Faith has never been a simple thing for me, and it is still a hard button to push.
Finally. All 3 authors dwelled on grace exceptionally heavily. As much as how much we fail to meet the criteria set by God, More grace is being given and will be given by him to see that you still can find him waiting.

grandpa's story

Today my grandparents in their joy decided spontaneously to throw a dinner for me as a sign of their joy for my return as well as obtaining a 2nd upper classification for my degree. Ah. Its been so long since I tasted a properly cooked Malaysian dish. Pleasures and luxury are all at my feet and I am enjoying every moment of them!
Then came the moment when my grandpa started sharing all the stories of what happened among his friends and the people he helped with the connections of his. Of the many stories that he threw out, this one caught my attention like the snap of a finger.
Alright. this man that my grandpa talked about has no good credentials. But the focus is not on him. So here is the story as per how I heard it.
This one particular man, had an affair against his wife with a china doll. The matter went totally out of hand, and he divorced his wife in order to be together with this new girlfriend from china. Originally, he had a really high paying job in Singapore as a chef. His pay was a 5 figure sum. Really really good pay. He then left his job to be with this girl from china. Little did he know that that girl was only all out to spend every single cent he has, which she did. Upon finishing up every single cent on him, she then ordered him to go and rob someone, which he stupidly did.
Being not experienced as being a crook, he panicked so very easily at the first sight of the girl he robbed screaming. What happened next was quite funny. He panicked so hard that he gave the girl back everything he took, but it was too late because the police came and took him into custody.
At the court, he did another really silly thing due to ego. Being to ashamed to approach his parents for help, he decided to enter the trials without legal assistance, thus going to trial without a lawyer.His charges was in fact too high to justify such a move. As I would call it, a typical chinese school brat, he got all too scared in the police interogation and start giving out information to please the police. The police did not intend to play nice with him. The chief got 8 other policeman to give him the "good cop, bad cop" routine without the good cop. The trial ended in him being sentenced to get 6 lashes and 16 years in prison. The police then called his parents and immediate family members to inform them of his being in prison. The family panicked upon hearing as well, and imediately called my grandpa to help them.
Proper legal aid would only help reduce the sentence, but not quash it. The lawyer that my grandpa seeked out to help them did a very "unclean move" He went to the prosecution, and got them to throw of the case through a big bribe. This man is now clean in terms of registration.
The account is very unsettling, and I personally would want the guy dead.

School of theology

I used to think along the line that anyone who studied theology would be something like a sage speaking like a pastor or reverent, a person quite disconnected from the world. How wrong I was.
Whether we realise it or not, we all actually crave theology. In fact, we don't just crave theology, we are born to reason theology, speak theology, and live theology. Using God's wisdom as the foundation, and substance to the finer points of reasoning and logic. I cannot tell you how reassuring it is to the soul to come to a good understanding of the bible. Theology grants exactly that.
In every human lies the desire to be more wise, knowledgeable in everything despite knowing the imperfection to us that disallows that. We all want to seem good at everything. This trade of us shows through the fact that we want to give advice on everything despite knowing that we are not the best or even good at that one peculiar thing. Its a premise that not everyone is going to accept, though my position would be that reality does not require the belief of people to make it real. Thus the phase "reality is a hard and painful place."
The study of God. That is what theology is. There are many school of thoughts that goes around it, but generally there is only one focus. God's style of reasoning and ways.
Here is my premise. With God as our creator, sustainer, reason, and hope, there is even more so, too many reasons to want to study God. No man would in his right mind not decide to study his origin to want to know his purpose.
"Origin story telling time!" -- deadpool
Honestly, how nice doe that line sounds? When I first heard it, I like it so much that I gotten really motivated to find out my origin as well. Which led me to start a bible hunt around chapters like genesis, and the books written by apostle Paul. Knowing our origins, our originator is very important. Destiny and things like that can only be discovered upon discovering true origins.
Thus my conclusion. God is our origin and originator. To lead a fulfilled and wise life, You must know God. Period.

Count down

A few more days left, and I will officially graduate with a law degree. A few more days left and I will  be in Malaysia instead of the UK. Suddenly the feeling of going home has vanish and this foreign land actually feels like home. I think I have gotten way too accustomed to it despite already having acknowledged its temporariness. On the other hand, I certainly do look forward to the idea of fulfillment of purpose, which has to be done back home.
However, the most dreaded feeling is the feeling that comes with the knowledge of difference I have with others. On a general note, all my peers from home can already start working after obtaining their degree. Me on the other hand, have to go through some more exams. A Bar exam, and an examination regarding the Malay language. Both very time consuming, and after a while of having being consumed by time, gets pretty frustrating. And if things cannot get more daunting, I am facing one of the worlds hardest exams known to man. Its passing rate is only 50 percent of the students. Meaning the other 50 percent is destine to not be able to get even 40 marks. Now comes the crazy part. The exam's difficulty level is such that majority of the people will have to retake the paper. The people who pass is determined on a graph basis. Reason is to minimize the quantity of people entering the legal profession. I fear. A lot. Failure is not foreign to me, but the feeling of having to go through it again has never changed. If anything, the difficulty of it only worsens the way I feel.
This path now will definitely put my emotions to the real test. On top of knowingly entering such a ridiculously difficult examination, Having to watch my friends spin their way around the working market, buy car, buy house, start a family,while I continue studying is ridiculously frustrating. To add to the frustration, it is not like coming out to work after all that studying guarantees me better opportunities and chances. To begin with, my starting salary is measly compared to theirs, and the workload is more, the status in society i get is a double edge sword where people expects me to be rich and unscrupulous, at the same time, holding on to a ridiculously high moral code. Summing up, the me in the future is stuck with a measly pay for at least 5 years, yet having ridiculous working hours that will make me want to kill myself, being labeled a professional, yet being paid nearly the same as an unprofessional, expected to do charity... I came onto this road with the ideology to help. However, I didn't come on board knowing that in the act of helping, being taken forgranted is on a ridiculously high level. I can actually understand why many lawyers resort to such dirty technics and ways of not caring for others. Why they keep doing things that brings so much hate. Because the people whom they once sworn to protect is actually all out to make use of them, stab them, betray them, then discard them.
As a Christian, having come down this road is painfully hard. I think I actually have developed a dual personality to a certain extend. The me I want to be, and am striving to be, and the me I can be but will never want to be.The more I walk down this path, the more power actually is deposited into my hands and being a trusty of that power is actually getting harder because the people who give those power I can honestly say, deserves death to the highest degree. There are times where I greatly desire to just run a knife down them. God forbid that I run my life without love. I can see a fair share of difficulties that a lawyer will face while maintaining a Christian faith and walk. And the one that appears clearest is people who will seek help thinking they deserve it, and as they pursue that help, they are going to treat you like a dog. Having more power then them means being able to treat them worse without them knowing it, and watch them go down a drain that they can never crawl out of. And the worse part of it all is, I do know how to put someone in a drain they cannot exit. The hardest part is not doing it while helping that person up his ladder not because I like him, but because that is the Godly thing to do.
With great power comes great responsibilities, but at the same time, with great power comes great temptation, great vulnerability, great pain, and the worse part of it all. Little to no friends.

sovereignty

Consider the notion of sovereignty in its fullness. It means all powerful and all knowing. Simply being in a position and having an ' eternity' that is beyond our comprehension. I like the way how the Calvinist portrays eternity as something the limited human mind cannot understand for its meaning and the power that comes behind that word is something that is outside this dimension of understanding. If you think you can understand the ties between sovereignty and eternity, consider this few notions alongside the issue of freewill.

With sovereignty comes the notion of predestination. If a being is sovereign over another, it has all rights to write law, decide on what others should do, even lay it out for them. In that sense, the government only has temporal sovereignty because its power stops at law creation. It cannot pre-determine what you can do. Whereas an all sovereign being in all its rights can. Look at the law on family. A parent determines the direction a child goes. By law it is correct, and morally acceptable. The child cannot by law or morally decide on his own before the coming of age, what is his purpose or obtain ownership over anything including himself. Now, that is only a minute sense of sovereignty. Real sovereignty can be scary to picture, but yet beautiful as well. God is all sovereign.
So what is predestination? Predestination is the idea of predetermination. That our lives are being predetermined by this sovereign being. Get the drift how did this came about alongside sovereignty? Now consider this notion together with freewill. We all know every humans has freewill because it is in build in us the ability to think for ourselves and make decisions.
unless you are a person who denies God ever having a form of sovereignty, consider this notion. Each one of us has special things that we are good at or other things that we are bad at. This in its way is already a subtle way to say we have a predetermined purpose or plan because by using those peculiar gifts, only then do you reach full potential. But at the same time, by saying that all people are good at some things and bad at others, it is already saying that we have no freewill of being able to chose some things in our lives. We cannot decide what we are talented at. That already is predetermination which comes from the ideology of predestination.
Consider this too. The notion of  'the right partner'. That too is predetermination. It is the belief that somewhere in this world lies the 1 and only 1 for you. and that is saying that there is a predetermined future, person, some people even say gift. With this, you can say it is not possible to marry the wrong one. But at the same time, I then ask you, is Love an option of choice? For in the same way we can decide to persue a career, study a peculiar vocation, we can start and end a relationship. At the same time, predestination would deny 1 thing that a lot of us will find it hard to believe, though we all would love to. Getting married to the wrong person is not possible because your future has already been predetermined.
The final issue I will dwell on is completeness of predestination. Some people will argue that only for certain aspects of life is predestination applicable. There is always an intersection where freewill and predestination must meet and one must give way to the other. I do not reject the premises of arguments of any side, but which conclusion i accept is a different story. Consider this, we have talked about what sovereignty is earlier at the top, so here is my short argument.
For a being to remain sovereign unchanged, power cannot be removed because once removed, sovereignty is gone. Now, the notion of granting freewill indefinitely means there are issues that God himself even, cannot determine. Those issues now becomes indefinite. At the same time, the eternity of God does not justifies that there are anything that is not known to him, justifying predestination. Thus my personal conclusion, I fully condone to the theology that God is all sovereign, thus predetermining all things and knowing all things. How freewill fits into the equation.... I have yet to find a justification. hahaha. My take? Grace.

pause

updates to this blog shall be paused till the 22nd or the 23rd for traveling purposes. its really difficult to be traveling and blogging at the same time. Also, its even harder to be typing with someone elses computer due to the different keyboard position. Finally, even harder it is to think and calm one self to focus just enough to produce proper thoughts to write them. thus, a minor short pause which will resume soon i guess.

Thank you God

I had one of the best times ever traveling in one of the places that i used to dread most. Evidence that if putting God first is done, things will slowly start to fall in place. I started of the trip by dedicating its entirety to God stating out a few goals and desires that must be achieved at the end of it.
-get over my breakup so i can focus more on God when i am doing my quiet time, and when i am serving in church, and when i am interacting with people, and so i don't get so desperate to desire a girlfriend
-be contented with singlehood as it is also a gift from God.
-treasure my friend who is travelling with me.
-see the places and people i dislike from God's perspective and learn to love them
-find out more about the historical truths of the specific significant era that those places contributed to.  Especially the Christian era.
- finally, hidden symbolism.

Enjoying the trip was placed at the last, and a bonus if anything else did happened. I really wanted to get myself in order so badly, that if any of those desires and goals be achieved, I counted it that I have already enjoyed the trip. But God was about to prove to me that he is by far capable of far more than that.
I never understood how much difference a good travel companion would make compared to a bad one. The last travel companion I had complained that I was too touristy because of the way I carry myself and take pictures. Now I think about it, I wonder who was the one who had a misconception of travelling. Deep regret do I have in bringing her around to see the world in the ways she so desire, while I lost the chance to see the world with the eyes I wanted, and to some extend, I could never see those parts in the way I wanted ever again because the timing has already past. With this "old friend", I can look at all the historical artifacts I want, take as many  " silly pictures" I wish, and relate God to even him who travels with me in my own way.
To my friends who wants to travel, look for a travel companion who would
-pray together with you as you travel,especially in moments where sin is imminent (you never know when they pop round in travel, and they come real hard too)
-challenge you to overcome old barriers
-brings up and answers to Godly conversations
-down to earth

this 4 points where what which was found in the friend I traveled with. But God came greater. Knowing what I really want, but at the same time what I really need, God has never ceased to amaze me in the trip.
One of the things I was really looking forward to was experiencing local culture of the place. God brought my friend and I to two cities so far with great culture, and brought people who were kind and willing to demonstrate those culture to us for free. In venice, I got a chance to put on the venerian festival mask and suit. In rome, a public display of their orchestra (for free) was being held, preforming classics of Italy. I got to see much church history too as well as recieve impressions from God how things were in the past. Not all that different from modern age I must admit.
All in all. a wonderful trip with much being achieved. I can only kneel and praise God now.

venice(finale)

And the trip in venice comes to a close.Next stop Rome. Will I miss this place? Without a doubt. It is a really beautiful place. So cultured, so much scenery, so much beauty be it night or day. The next time I come here would be for a honeymoon though. The atmosphere in this place is most indulgent when with a partner,but painfully difficult without one. Not to mention, the circumstance that I currently am in makes it way harder. Apart from that, historically, this is one place that has to be explored. Indeed, it is a place that the historian in me can appreciate.
Next stop Rome. Am I in anticipation? absolutely! But at the same time fearful of reality there. Crime and hostility is apparently no joke. There is this story going round saying that people there would use knifes to slash open your bags to get a hold of your belongings. A lot of muggings, a lot of dark works at work. At the same time, there is so much places of historical value to visit, so much history to dig into, evidence to seek. It feels as though I am about to enter a forest of wolves looking for a sacred grove or something of that sort. haha. Pray for me. Now. Of to pack and get meself ready for the last few bits of Venice.

venice trip part 1

Oh bother, the last trip of moving around europe begins with me forgetting my camera. Oh the injustice that I have done to myself! Hahahaha. This trip if anything have really been nothing but a really impressive journey for me. Venice is showing me an entirely different side of italy, and I really like it. Hopefully this keeps up till Rome. Most of the rest of italy has been a great let down to me. Venice from what I know has a really colorful kind of community festivals. Thanks to the game assassins creed 2, I have a general idea as to the mask festival that is held in venice every february. I do not really know how it is being celebrated now adays. Will have to do some research about it. According to one of the locals, it was originally celebrated because the king one day wanted to have a type of celebration that would include everyone, and thus begin the mask celebration where everyone wears a peculiar mask that potrays a peculiar personality. Eg: the doctor, the casenova, the clown, the king, and so on. The mask that I find most amusing is the doctors mask. This whole city is one surrounded with loads of water, and people pretty much get around by boats. Ah well. Borrowing a camera from a friend. Photos will be up soon. Hopefully.

The thinking of a person

Recently, I found out; what you where thinking before going to bed would be the first thing you wake up to think about when you wake up. Meditation. What most people finds strange to speak about, and shunt entirely actually is a process of thoughts that cannot be avoided. How interesting I thought, when I first found out about it.
So what formulates someones thinking? Belief system? Education? Experience? All of it? I used to quantify thinking of a person to a very small box. A person from a certain country would think this way, a person with a certain education would think another way, boy was I about to find out a whole new thought system that is used.
How does one juggle emotions together with logic then? Is it even possible to be able to process a thinking patent that has both an emotional and logical aspect to it without being bias? Though the bible, we learned that we can confine each thought and do what I call boxing out the unneeded thoughts. But from my perspective, a good blend of the emotional and the logical can only come with the united front of men and women. Due to the visionary thinking that men possesses, it makes men thinks of emotional thoughts and logical thoughts separately. Allow me to even say that the reason for this is the position of command ie: following that a men's position would demand. Thus also demanding that there be followers of him. Women has a different thinking. more grid/ radar. Thus being able to see what is the path to a vision.  I have known people to be offended by this, but I will still say it, with the visionary mind of men, women are meant to follow them, not wait for a "perfect" man to follow. Of course, whether the man is visionary is another story, but that of course should be left to God to decide.
Today I had a very pleasant conversation of a women, and she brought up a very good point about how the media will sell out an image of a totally distorted position that women should be holding. Women are now being told to do what men are supposed to be doing, from the position of men. Is it right? NO by all means. Its like asking an ant to do what a termite does. What makes it worse is the men who comes to defend the position of women are regarded as weak or un-understanding of the circumstances. How does women survive in a world trying to fufill men's purposes with the rights of men instead of women's purposes and rights of women? You have 1, no equality, 2 no survival, 3 decay, and finally death.

Forget

Today in my devotion, I remember something I used to do, still do, and am frustrated with because I am still trying to not do. Forgetting God's grace.
Galatians 3
This passage was talking a lot about remembering what God has done for us, the sufferings we have gone through together, and that giving up should not be considered an option that is available. As I read on, I can feel as though Paul is scolding me for being too "fleshy". Too focused on things that are not of God, no delight to him, though being permitted to me. One might think that this is too much to ask, however, I will argue that nothing is too much when it comes to trying to put all focus back to God. All things that does not lead to God will point to sin, it is only a matter of sooner or later. Whether you realise it or not makes no difference. Sin afterall, is still sin. And indeed the most fustrating disposition can be that the very thing you enjoyed doing most, is actually sin, and now you struggle with trying to be rid of it for it has not just taken out so much time, but also have been part of the way of conduct in the daily life.
God on the other hand expects us to not just raise out of our dependency of the flesh, but raise into receiving his abundance of grace. Strange how we endlessly try to earn trust when it is given freely, and by not receiving it freely but forcefully earning it, we ended up being accounted as foolish people. But that is apparently the reality as by our own means, we can never really earn anything.
Talking about wanting. Have you realised how deceitful your heart can get? How good it is at corruption? I have still yet to realise its full potential, but I have seen a fair bit of mine already.

Evening devotion

The last few days of doing my daily devotion have been unsettlingly uneasy. Every time I tried to bring my focus down, it blows up and away wandering on and on to other thoughts that I had believed where tamed and taken out. But no. It wonders and wonders all the way there. I felt rather helpless and fustrated that each time I sit down to pray, my thoughts starts flying.
Is God greatly unpleased with something that I am doing? Personally, I find that there are a lot of things that I am doing and have been doing greatly unpleasing and it has also been a struggle to rid myself of them. Self, desire, want. Sometimes it feels like to be a Godly person, one must come close to becoming a monk. Hide oneself away from the world. For if one associates with the world long enough, one can actually become of the world far too easily. 

"You will be in the world but not of the world". Thats a random passage that pops into my mind as I write this. The other thing that came to mind was the bible reading i had yesterday regarding the last chapter of 2nd Corinthians. Godly living. Paul speaks of Christ granting power to every Christian to tame all thoughts to the submission of Christ. To take every action only for the benefit of Christ. This is evidence of one's salvation. Not that one has successfully done it, but that one is actively doing it?
More and more do I find myself in awkward positions of struggle. Loneliness I feel during and after the struggle. Wondering if anyone else I know would actually feel the same way I do.
Sigh.. My Christian walk is still so unsettling that instead of influencing people around me, I get influenced so easily as well, without knowing it; I start talking and speaking like those around me whom I have decided that I must influence. Subconsciously I would not put my foot down, but if I had been conscious about what I am doing, I would be death struck fearful of what I have been doing, which is what often happens when I have finished associating with some people. " What on earth have I been speaking?", usually is the first thing that comes to my mind. How unedifying was it, really?
I feel humbled.

night devotion

A bit of a change of pace. Since lately I have trouble waking up. Can't miss devotion no? So todays done at night.
Tell me about upset, anger, frustration, despair... All those feelings that are too familiar when dealing with people. Especially on close proximity level. Hurt, broken trust, surely you all know how it feels to be taken advantage of, especially when that person knows how you "tick", thus using that knowledge against your advantage.
What happens after this is a terrible struggle to learn to trust again, love again, and fight anger and hate. I too have my fair share of learning to love other people. Especially those who have wronged me gravely. With hate as the simple little game that propels the urge for vengeance and unforgiveness. I have actually over the past years handled this area really badly. I look at myself, and I realised that there are people whom I do not wish to see being found in a church, thus wishing eternal damnation over them. Not to mention the temptation to want to see them fail, to pray over that their life be an eternal failure. There are those whom I dread knowing.
The Lord however hates this mindset of anger. To him all man are equal in creation. The more I read through Corinthians, the more i see the potential of how sinful a human can be. But at the same time, I also see how graceful God can be. Abundant with his grace and mercy. Probably one day, such anger will no longer affect me and I shall also be able to show the same kindness and mercy to others.

2nd upper

I obtain 2nd upper in my law degree!!! ^^ celebration. But first things first, all thanks to God, for without him, this would have turned out ugly. I had a horrible break up followed by horrible revelations and news 20 days before my examinations. I expected myself to fail, but God was there, granting me clear mind, strength and grace. Evidence that God has power over everything. Even emotions. 20 days to recover and be ready for an exam! This 2nd upper is not my work, but the work of God. Also, not to mention the church friends who granted me support, and most of all, my parents for prompting me and supporting me all the way through moments where I really wanted to give up.

Morning devotion (23th june)

For those who knows me, if you actually read my devotions carefully, you can tell of the plights that I have to keep on going through on a daily basis.

2 Corinthians 4:2 "But we have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God.
Do you hate sin? Do you have a peculiar sin you hate most? These few days, I dread having to go to the city. It brings me to face the sin that I struggle with the most. With every girl in town dressed as though cloth has become scarce, I could barely even keep my eyes to myself. With every girl dressing as though the world has to see their bra size, I could barely even keep lust out of my mind, and I really hate it so bad that I rather have my eyes pulled out each time I start thinking like that. I REALLY HATE IT.

morning devotion

I often forgot how to preach to non-believers. These few days I have come into contact with more and more of them around, and I always find myself dreading every moment of it. I don't know what position to stand. I have to make the proposition of  where God and Christ stands regarding sin clear to them, but at the same time grace. Then at the same time, it is love rather, then any other things that is most important to be shown. And most of the time, I am so caught up in inducing my doctrines and fundamentalism rather than trying to love the other person. Woe is me.
Today as I read the bible again during my quiet time, God reminded me of another thing that I often do. Move around being stuck in the old testament while everyone is moving around in the new. Which is correct? Neither. God wants to by the new, bring us back to genesis. Different from returning to the old testament. Returning to genesis after salvation is returning to the core and fundamental purpose of men. While returning to the old testament is following the law which brings condemnation. So often do I find myself not just doing to others, but because I also do to myself! Living in the law too often, thus condemning everything, everyone for wrongs that is already forgiven. Do I then also condemn myself? Yes.
The more I know Christ, the more I realised how much I lack the art of showing mercy. The more I want to learn how to be compassionate, kind and merciful. To the tax collectors, he was most loving and kind that they changed their ways, what kind of mindset must I change and have to learn to have mercy on those I scorn and curse. What mindset my I charge to stop me from scorning and cursing people. How do i stop thinking that by knowing scriptures and God, I am holier than others. One needs Christ more than ever.
The most difficult part of scripture that I read today is 2 corinthians 3: 14-16. How often do I wish that some of my closes friends comes to saving knowledge. Even more so do I wish that they do so today. But unless they take the step of faith first, they will know nothing. God, all is in your hands.

morning devotion

Today. I have no idea why. And it definitely did not come from God. Woke up feeling upset, frustrated, helpless, used and played all at the same time. I could hardly bring myself to the computer to do my devotion. All I wanted to was lie in bed and curl up in my blanket and wallow in my sorrow. I remembered what my youth leader used to say. Never give yourself a reason to not worship God. At any state your in, he always demands your worship. So rebuking my own heart, knowing that it is deceitful, I decided to worship. And guess what. though the feelings didn't all go away for personal reasons, Almost all of it left. I can  certainly say it is not from God.
In times like this, the first resort that is so tempting to go hunting for is human ears and companionship. Oh, back to that stupid desire for someone to listen to my plight. I knew within my heart that God is saying, tell me first before you go telling anyone else. The curious thing is after telling God, I won't need to tell other people. But after telling other people, I won't be telling God. I really had to hold my head together, and push forward in prayer. It felt like I am trying to break down a tree. The whole pushing was nothing but a war of perseverance. And did the Lord came to the rescue? Yes He did.
A curious thing about us is how much we know and yet do not know about our salvation. Do you know that the solution to all your problems is your salvation? Knowing is 1 thing, believing is another. But yet without believing, you will never "know"
The lord today took time, and considerable amount to remind me about a few things and teach me a few more about my salvation.

Do you know that your salvation is actually God standing in the face of death saying "Pick on someone your own size, ME!" Do you fear death? When students of a kungfu master lost against someone in a battle, who do they turn to. The master. And the master will come and heal, as well as protect them. Challenging their opponent. " I will be your opponent. Leave my students alone!" Students will usually hide behind the master, and come out to join him in his victory when he has won. My Christian life is really stupid. My boss must come to save me when I least know I need saving, and when he is fighting my opponent for me, I will rush in at the worse moments possible. Most of the time, we feel God holding us back and we resent that because we do not see the monster he is fighting. How arrogant and stupid would we be if we think we can face that monster alone.
Being still is letting your salvation take its course. The hardest thing to do during trouble is be still. Yet all the cool people are most still when in the face of trouble. Calm, composed and cool. Thats why they are cool. Today I must learn to ditch my worries to a more reliable source.
Premeditation is a dangerous thing to do. What you let your mind feed on before meditating on anything will affect you dangerously. What we do not realise is we are always premeditating something. Having something preoccupy our minds.
The day when none of this corrupt source of thinking affects me, I will be more than overjoyed.

morning devotion 13 june

The start of this passage took me by complete surprise. Paul opened by defending his calling. I often wondered what kind of position would I ended up taking. I can so easily go round telling others that I am a lawyer to be, but I find it extremely, strangely hard to tell anyone I am a bible study teacher (was and still want to be) So much floods into my mind when I want to say I know how to teach the bible. Paul defends his calling in the most interesting fashion. One that I actually thought of doing before in the past, but never had the guts to used. Paul pointed out to the people listening to him speaking that they are the seal that clarifies his apostleship. Meaning they are the fruit of his labour. Amusing stand that was taken. I would definitely have not the "thing" in me to tell people I am ministering to that they are the fruit of my labour for I feel not worthy of it.

the next passage took me by another surprise. The right to refrain from working. I gotten really amused by what Paul said. Right to have a wife, right to eat and drink. One often forgets the reason why God had us created and one commonly forget that we are not robots created by God to be fitted into a factory. Today, I am reminded of the way God created the garden of Eden. made for the enjoyment of mankind. The creation of mankind suddenly makes more sense, especially why God put them on earth. We man often forget about fun because of the in build design to work and protect, as well as being a visionary and cultivator. It made us one tracked minded. I admit we cannot multitask to a great extend. Women. Please don't take it against us when it looks like we do not appreciate what you do. We really do. We just have to switch between different modes of brain too often with you. ie logic to feelings or feelings to logic. Unlike you women, we are wired with decision making desires. We are not dictators, we are just wired with parts that makes us want to think in facts and bottom lines, thus when you ask us to feel something, it takes a bit of a while to re tune our own mind. We are not as adaptable as you. Be patient with us. Anyway, back to the argument. Enjoyment.
Often we find ourselves at the "Martha" position. Working to please or just simply working. Working in my context is not the literal working for money, but simply just doing something that feels productive with a must kind of mentality. For example, making a guest feel welcome at home by offering food, drinks, a seat. It is not wrong, but the alternative is just talking to the person.
Relax. This word seems more and more foreign these days. We cannot relax ourselves, and neither do we expect others to relax around us. I was sitting for my exam a long while ago. And next to me was a girl writting so furiously that in 3 hours she finished using up 20 pages for an essay! She later then approached me and ask why was I so relaxed. My writing speed was not fast at all, and she note that I did have time to check back my paper, and watch the clock.
I look at myself. Am I any different from that girl yet? I definitely am not  to that extend of anxiousness, but how much to an extend do I do anything else with such anxiousness that I forget to trust and relax, and enjoy the things God expects me to enjoy. One of the things that amuses me most is the way how people travel. My parents would want to rush to a peculiar place. Then relax and enjoy there on the spot. My grandparents have a different doctrine. Enjoy the journey. And when you reached, rushingly complete everything. I laugh at them once. But now I look at my life. I don't sit back and enjoy the journey, and when I reached the destination, I just want to complete it and move on to the next assignment. Curious is it not? God created us to be fun loving creatures. Evidence is the trees, nature, animals, people, love ones he put around us to enjoy. Often, only when it is gone do we enjoy it. and then we cursed our mistake of forgetting to enjoy our friendship or company, but not realising that a drastic correction in our lifestyle is needed.

Morning Devotion 12th June

Conscience. I always wondered what was the relationship that a conscience had with the holy spirit.  In the same way I trust the holy spirit, I trust my conscience. In fact, it be most accurate to say that the holy spirit is my conscience.
Was there ever a time you would wonder if your guts is telling you something that you should not follow? I too wondered about people who have yet to receive the holy spirit. What kind of conscience do they have. To what level must one be corrupt to lose the holy spirit? Then I look, and also realised that without the holy spirit, one's monster gets truly unleashed.
"We are all monsters." This were the words of my mentor before I left for my degree. I knew the accuracy of that statement. At least when I look at myself, I see its reality. I am a monster. what good others see is just a suppression of who I truly am on the inside. Volatile, Rash, Arrogant, Lustful. At times I am like a super villain that people see on TV. It was one of the moments when your mind agrees and 100 thoughts comes flying into your head at the a split second making an agreeing stand to the statement made. The next thing any guy would ask for would be a solution. What can solve my problem. "Forgive yourself. As how God forgive you. Learn to love yourself." In all sense, I barely even could bring myself to agree, but that day, somehow it made a lot of sense. And I decided to hunt and understand what it really meant. Now such words no longer seem foreign to me, I understand what it really means.
What happened at the moment of receiving the solution was my own conscience opened up, and I could for an instance understand the mysteries of heaven. Was it hard? In truth, all you need to do is surrender and submit, then the powers of heaven is unlocked for you.
I always wondered why women filled the church. Where did the Godly man go? Do you know why man was created first and women 2nd? It has nothing to do with rights. The more I dig deep into genesis to study the original purpose of man, the more the beautiful plan of God really captivates me. Man first came into the world and God taught man his law (this is a simplified way of looking at it. there is way more to discuss about in this area) God then fashioned woman according to the body of man to give him the perfect companion. Gods idea. Not mine.  Note that it was MAN'S DUTY to teach the women God's law. God didn't teach her his law. THE MAN DID.
There is no inferiority between man and women. Once we start separating purpose from rights and status, we become more fulfilled. Who there can I ask would tell me why a person doing a peculiar job is inferior to another? the only difference that separates you from him is talent and time. In the bible, the parable of the talents. 3 man. different talents given. Note. God didn't specify who was ranked higher before giving them each talents. God just gave them and implied to them that he expects investments. The trouble with being the person with only 1 talent is comparison. How much can one lost from his purpose of comparison. I also noted that when one is comparing himself with another, signals does not fly up as warning, there might be no signals for all we know.

treatment of women

Once in a while the family lawyer person in me begins to want to write something. Thus today, I shall dwell upon the current status and rights of women.

What does the modern world look like to women. I often wonder how would a women perceive the world to be like when they first woke up. What kind of world are they living in to begin with. I always knew that as a guy, the world that I am living in is a lot better than the world that women kind are in. Am I thankful for that? Absolutely not! I am deeply saddened by it. If a plight like that would affect someone dear and close to me, then surely one should not be pleased by such a disposition.

After the world war 2, what seemingly look to be a change to the status of women folk suddenly took the world by surprise. Women are suddenly found in universities, workplace, to what people believe to be given the same rights and privileges of men kind. Anyone remember the song by James Brown? Something to do with living in a mans world. You agree with the notion? The proper question is can you see that notion actually happening in this world?
It is hard to write something about what degrading levels does a women actually face on all levels, because there are so much to write about. Too many areas would come to mind. Men out there, does any of this areas disgust you? Wait till God impressed upon you how unhappy it makes women, particularly the one he has prepared for you. You be as angry as me.
Most men I met out there does not, definitely does not view women as anything more than a walking sex object. Sometime ago, I was in a bar alone trying to catch a bite of lunch before taking the bus. As I was eating by burger, I can't help but overhear a conversation between two guys discussing about the 1 night stands that they had with girls they just met in uni within weeks. What hits me is those girls are not even their girlfriends. And they are discussing about another trip to a club to hunt for more. I may be fallen in my own way, but I never liked even hearing of how women can be treated so cheaply. More disgust filled me when I realised that those girls who spend the night with them treated themselves equally cheaply. You just made it even harder for anyone to fight for your rights especially if your going to offer your body so cheaply.
Men who truly love your women. Allow me to grant you some knowledge about the " heart" picture. It is actually not the shape of a heart (Unless you never had science class, you probably already knew this) Out of curiousity, I went to find out and what i shock I had when i figured  that it is actually the picture of a womens bend over butt as though an invitation to doggy style. If culture is going to degrade women to this extend, how hypocritical is it to award women rights and foundations to equality. No one views man as any form of sexual objects do they? I don't know how women then look at hulky man, but I highly doubt it that any women would be thinking of his penis when looking at his arm muscles. But look at even popular design culture. The picture of a simple heart shape that is found nearly everywhere is a hidden meaning picture meant to instigate hidden meanings to a sexual act based on a woman's body. If this is overreacting, then I plead guilty and ask that you continue treating all women as sexual objects accepting symbols of such to be societies norm. I definitely cannot imagine someone using a picture of my butt/ penis as a symbol of love. If anyone is to offer me something close to that, I sue that person.
what other kinds of lies goes out there? " Women can now do exactly what men do." Personally, I don't mind. But on a deeper level, I noticed how much it undermines women's purpose in life. As society progresses, the position of a submissive person, a kind person, compassionate person turns to look weaker. What women are meant to do best, society now makes it looks as though it is only done by the weak. How would you feel if someone tells you the true purpose of your life is what makes you weak. For that you must go for the purposes of someone else. God in his own perfect will created women with a special purpose for her. strange that men would go round calling that purpose weak, offer women their purpose, and now complain about the world turning in turmoil, women taking over them.

Morning devotion 10th june

Just exited the fun book of philosophy of Romans. Its practicals is ridiculously hard to apply. About time I enter into a book that is not so philosophical. Thus, HELLO 1 CORINTHIANS!

I noticed Paul opens up every book with a self introduction of who he is and what is his calling. Till now, I have no clear idea of what my calling is. I truly admire ( probably better word is envy) people who knows what their calling is specifically. I met a person doing paleontology. He told me that at least I can earn money with my degree easily and compared to his, finding a job can be pretty challenging. From his perspective, I can understand what pain he has to go through having to probably trade desire for practicality. I on the other hand does not need to, but the possibility of having moved far from my true purpose is a possibility that is huge. Fear breeds doubt and doubt kills faith.

I always wonder what type of gifting in Christ am I granted. Today I received a partial answer. Enrichment in Utterance and Knowledge is a gift. Apparently made available to all Christians. I like to distinguish between personal gifts and communal gifts. Communal gifts, singularly unique to everyone. Not distinguished. Personal gifts, Distinguished. crafted specifically uniquely for you. If I go to a shop and buy a shirt for you, its not a full personal gift. Its a personal communal gift. It is specifically chosen for you from me, thus being personal in that sense. Communal in that everyone also has excess to that gift and everyone if wanting, can also purchase the same gift and the whole world be wearing the same shirt. @@ nasty. Wally. However, Christ crated something crazy. A communal personal gift. A gift for everyone, but each one is personally crafted, designed specifically to not just meet your need, but impress you as well. How wonderful is that? To every Christians out there, God grants you the gift of wisdom and peace. All Christians has access to it as long as you believe. But here is the beautiful part of the gift. Though we all have the same gift, we can never experience it the same way as each other does. Our gifts are crafted into our personality, mixed with our desires and trades. The peace of God though singular, is unique to each one in the way it is experience, qualifying God as a personal God. Similarly, wisdom from him is granted tailored to each ones specific life. If you ever felt that you as an engineering student is inferior to a law student, understand that God thinks otherwise. His gifts to you allows you to see things in a way no one else can see and no one else can meet. Lets put it this way. The wisdom given to you, is always designed to enable you to do something that no one else can do. So important is your role that if you do not do it, no one else might. Its your purpose and a life specifically made for you. Maddeningly mind blowing. reminds me of what the psalmist said. What is in men that you are so mindful of him.

Standards (morning devotion)

Romans 13-14

On many occasions, the Lord has questioned where are my standards and how high are they really. On the moment I thought I have finally held myself to a Godly measuring stick, a scripture will popped out to show me how deprived I really am, and the only reason why I am still in this game is because the grace granted to me reaches deeper than my depravity.
The first part of what I read relates to the government. Instant thoughts about home starts popping up in my head. Often I find myself trying to qualify someone or something under Gods standards, and when it does not qualify, I abandon it. Today I am reminded that nothing happens without God qualifying it. And it is also applied to Malaysian government. Instantly, I know God is saying the approach I take towards home government is one closer to hate than it is to love. I speak of how much I love Malaysia and its people. Now, I wonder how much do I hate the government. What approach should I take...
The second part relates to people. Love thy neighbor. Love does not harm, therefore fulfills the law. I want to fulfill the law. But I know I have a list of people I want to deal great harm to. Be it minor or major. Once again, I am reminded that the Lord concerns the mensrea (evil mind) more than the actus reus (acts of evil). Unlike doing good. God wants to see acts more than thoughts.
the next 4 verse is the closing 4 verses of chapter 13.  Putting on Christ. Right before reading the last 4 verses, on a facebook page appears the words of Corinthians 7. Live as though you have nothing. (interpret not as dis-ownership, but wanting nothing. One of the things Paul added in was marriage. Married people live as though they are not married. This part be confusing. Paul here is not dealing with the uniting of a man and women in marriage for the purposes of God and intention of God. Paul is dealing with "passion". In reference to that, marriage was used as a solution to not sin in passion. But originally the purposes of marriage should be discovered in genesis. And that bears an entirely different meaning all together. Do not live in lewdness and lust. Lust at the first to my understanding pointed to physical carnal desires of the heart. But as I come to understand it further, lust points at something more. Carnal desires. Physical, spiritual, mental, psychological. A sudden questioning of the way I even approach people came about as well. The question that comes to mind is do I desire from people what should be from God? that intimacy level in a relationship to a peculiar extend is lustful too. Amuses me about the perverse ways man conducts himself within the boundaries of relationships however pure, always leading to a demented ending. To not enter into a marriage without thinking of lust. Now that is difficult. Try thinking of never having sex with your partner after marriage. Even by law, no sex = no consummation of marriage. Everything of this world points in the opposite direction of what God intends. Most obvious is the perversion of the understanding of one of humans most sacred covenant. marriage.
Finally. The art of love is sacrifice. To know permissibility to execute or prevent a peculiar conduct is a revelation that should not be let go of. To renounce the right to execute or prevent a right is love. One must have a right to forfeit to know value. One must forfeit a right to know love. The bible used eating and drinking as a simple analogy though its reference points to necessity. What we find necessary for ourselves. Give it up for another? (this is not saying to give up your walk with God for another person.)

humbled

Worship must begin meek and humbled. Or you can never enjoy it.

Here I am.
humbled by your majesty
covered by your grace so free
here I am
knowing i am a sinful man
covered by the blood of the lamb

now I found
the greatest love of all
is mine
since you lay down your life
the greatest sacrifice

majesty
your grace has found me just as I am
empty handed but alive in your hands

Here I am
humbled the love that you gave
forgiven so that I can forgive
so here I stand
knowing that I am your desire
sactified by glory and fire.

reference:
Majesty (here I am) Hillsong and Delirious? 2003

quest of the missing me

This I feel is a moment of life that everyone would pass through at least once. You climb up a mountain. as nearing the peak of the mountain, it gotten somewhat lonely. But perseverance pushes on. When you got to the top, you look back and realised the depth of growth that has been overcame. At that instant, you fall backwards from the first peak, and found yourself at the bottom of the mountain. Curiously, the process of rowing down can be pretty long. Upon reaching the bottom of the mountain, you picked up a mirror and looked at yourself. My... you barely recognised who is in that mirror.
So what does one do after that? Strangely, lifes way is not going to a hospital, but going up another mountain. The way life helps one to recover is strange.

I was told that I write really long post. Haha. >< So very sorry. I am a person of much words. This post have been considered normal / short on my account. a really long post, to me.... I think is equivalent to 1 chapter of a book for anyone.
I really desire that all my friends read my blog. See how God move in my life's testimony. See what I learned, and hopefully hear God speaking to them through that. I however am not much of a picture person. Nor a colour person. I find myself comfortable with words, words, words, and loads of them. To the people I am close to, I too think I talk a lot and think too much. I however don't know if I should change that, after all, How I express myself best is words, and lots of them.
So if you do find reading my blog a drag, I am sorry. To get to know a lawyer like me, one needs to enter the difficult realm of words and think nuts like me I guess, which can be pretty unentertaining. I too can understand that part being a drag because to a certain extend, I also find words sickening though I too find them adorable. haha.
If you read this far already, you have my thanks, and a beg to not stop. As rewards to your ears, I promise, nothing here is not God inspired or personally created by me. After all, you intend to read God inspired writings and what I have to say. That I can promise to bring out more to entertain.

despair turned hope (morning devotion)

Romans 9: 2-4
That I have great sorrow and  continual grief in my heart. For I wish I myself were accursed from Christ for my brethren, my countrymen according to the flesh, who are Israelites, to whom pertain the adoption, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the service of God, and the promises.

Do you have anyone important to you? Family members? Friends? Love ones? How would you feel if that person is drenched in problems that you faced before, and you know that no one can face alone.You also know that if that person does not seek help, it will worsen by the day. God forbid, to a point of no return. Worse of all, that person does not intend to seek help. Because of your concern, the person now distance themselves from you. How many times have you felt this? It stinks does it not, this feeling? As matters gets worse and worse, what which was hope can find itself crashing and after time transformed into despair. Its funny how most of the most painful despairs that we faced are caused by external factors relating to people we hold close. Doesn't need to be a person we are in a relationship with, just needs to be someone important.

I have been watching Kamen Rider Wizard. I enjoyed the show so far for its plot and line of story. A basis of understanding to those wanting to watch, here is some information so you don't get lost in the show. Dun worry it is not spoilers. In fact, it will make sure you don't get lost in the show. This show focuses a lot on hope and despair. Everyone has a peculiar attachment / dream. Its like an underworld, personal and deep to each individual. The monsters in the show's mission is to displace that hope. Once hope is displaced, despair comes into its place and transform the person into a monster. The Mask Rider (Kamen Rider in Japanese) is a person who succeeded over despair by finding hope through his despair thus gaining his powers. the rest is a show about teaching people how to find new hope in him.

Now, here is a question then which springs up all the more larger quantities of despair pertaining to this topic. We all know how powerful, almighty and divine God is. All to clear, to be able to create an entire human race and earth, universe has to warrant him something. In Romans 9:15, it is said "... I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion." What does this says? I doubt you need me to explain it. Its just the words sounds so unjust to our ears. Not to mention does that means those who rejects him are people he never chosen to be saved in the first place? Are they forever rejected from God? In fact, verse 19 :"Will you then say to me then, "why does He still find fault? For who has resisted His will?" thus pointing to the relevance of such argument. In fact, it does shows that this has been a train of thought. Not new either to the christian world. Listen to the response of verse 20 " But indeed, O man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, Why have you made me like this?" And we have it. The tricky part of discussion that I have finally entered.

Tricky is it not? Now in your mind, your probably wrestling with the idea of whether your prayers are worth anything, what is the reason for praying for these people, is God bias? At the same time, despairing for the people you love. Does it means that they will never be saved? Does it means God will not save them thus they reject him? Or the other way round? It suddenly feels like we are boxes of toys in a store. And our salvation feels like chance. God happened to picked up our box on that very day. Our friends were the unlucky ones.  Worse of all, God tells us to not question his decision making.

When we focus our thoughts on justice, on righteous, we get no where. And at the end of the day, we arrive at despair. Pain. We try to make sense out of the law. We do get sense back. But with condemnation as well. Romans 3:19-20 "now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world MAY BE GUILTY BEFORE GOD. Therefore by the deeds of the law no flesh will be justified in His sight, for by the law is the knowledge of sin." This is what it means to follow the law. Gods law. Being guilty. And you and I have not a choice. Its not a matter of whether your a christian or not. Its a matter of whether your a human or not. and so long as you are, within the boundaries of what is right and wrong, judgment falls on us all. And without the grace of God, 1 word - screwed. Thus the despair for people without God by the Christians.

All these questions. Questions. Questions. Time to mind blow you all.  Romans 9: 25-26. As He says also in Hosea: "I will call them My people, who were not my people. And her beloved, who was not beloved." And it shall come to pass in the place where it was said to them, You are not my people, There they shall be called sons of the living God." How easy it is to forget the grace that first save us. Now as I close, allow me first to say this to you. Do not for 1 moment dare forget what grace was afforded to you to be saved. Neither should you forget what grace is given to you now that you remain saved.

The picture that the bible wanted to paint is not one of a call to righteousness. It is one that says the law has condemned the whole world to bits and pieces. But God is love. If you come back to him, he has in his hand, no measuring stick to measure you worth. Just arms wide enough to hug you.

Devotion 1st June 2013

A pre warning to people about to read this post.
1.) this is my personal devotion. Nothing is directed at anyone else but me myself. It is what happens between me and God. If you do hear God speaking to you through this, I am most happy and would like to hear your testimonies. If possible, through the comment section. But Nothing here is pointing at anyone but myself. I am re-evaluating my walk with God, as I always do during my quiet times.
2.) Beware. Those of you who don't like Loads of words, Lawyer talk. This post contains all of that.
3.) This phylosopy in the words of 90% of the people I know is thinking too much. So if you feel like it is making you "think too much", read it for the fun of it. Afterall, this blog is meant to be fun and not taken personally.

Readings : Romans 7, 8 (whole chapter)

Weight down by sin. There are times I just feel like there is something in me that I badly want to rip out. Spiderman 3 movie comes to mind when Spiderman struggled to rip venom out of his body. In my life there are certain types of sins that i greatly regret its indulgence. Not one not two, but a large number, and they have been present since adolescent. Simply put, same game, many plays, same lost. verse 14 to 24 literally depicts what I dare say we all at a certain point of time if not at every point of time. We all hate doing certain things that hurts others or hurts our selves directly or indirectly. What simply stands in our way is our hearts selfish wants. Therefore we find ourselves doing the very things we detest. But yet we feel as though the reasons why we do it is as though there is 2 us. One us who loves good, and the other evil. Thus within us a fight constantly struggling to topple the other. Woe is us who have to face this fight especially when strongholds of our lives are not weak.

However, the nature of our salvation is neither allowing us to compromise on our fight against ourselves. We are bought into a new kingdom. Price paid. But that's not all. Earlier chapters established that our sinful nature does not excuse us to sin. The redemption of us does not just earns a passport to heaven, rather, it also comes as a package to help us fight against sin, the power to not repeat our old ways. Simply put, we do not need to repress ourselves to not do something, but in the name of Christ, we will not continue.

Disheartening reality. But the contrary of what chapter 8 intends to paint. Where sin moves at its deepest, Grace goes even deeper still. Chapter 8 explains our position of prince and princess under God being made equal with Jesus himself as sons and daughters of God but not God. Confusing is it not? Simply meaning, We are not God, and God forbid that thought. But we are of equal value as Christ. Imagine sitting on the right hand of God. That seat is only reserved for the prince. And Christ ask us to sit at his right hand. Having been away from home (Malaysia) for so long, home coming has been something I've been looking forward to greatly. It felt as though I am getting back something I have lost for quite a while. How about the anticipation of going to heaven? Many of us simply imagine it as a ticket to worship God in a fully unblemished body and soul. Let me tell you, Gods purpose for you and I is much much much more than that.
We are restored to a throne ( till now, I dare not believe I am given a throne.)
We are given heavenly mansions.
We will sin no more
We have no hindrance to fulfill our purpose. (inclusive of marriage, job,living)
And these are just those that I could understand with my current intellect after reading Chapter 8. Grace? We just saw the beginning of it all.

barb wire

4 boys were wanting to go play in the river nearby. There was heavy barbing of wire around that area meant to prevent people from going in, but boys be boys each one started climbing over the wire to swim in the river. Each one of them got over the wire accept for the youngest boy who had his clothes entangled around the wire. In frustrations frantic movements, he started trying to yank his clothes out of the wiring while each of the other boys leap into the river. The harder he yank, the more ripped his clothes got and more bruised he gotten. In one moment of triumph, he successfully gotten the last bit of wire of his clothing. In triumph, he screamed "I am free" and ran towards the river to join the other boys, only to have his brother shout back from the river "Don't come here! Its full of snakes!" That faithful day, the only boy that survived was the one caught by the barbed wire.

Have you ever been burned by fire? I have. I love playing with them. Real fire I mean. Not figurative fire. When I was younger, my hometown was more village like than it is now. There were more trees and more wild around. So burning up twigs and leaves to create more fertilizer was not uncommon. Many family burned the leaves and twigs in their garden as an economical way of cleaning up the garden and taming the garden. I was the one in charge of cleaning the garden of my family. Though I must say that I was terribly bad at it. So whats with being burned by fire? Nothing. Just wondering if you experience the pain of burn. It lingers for days if it really is a bad burn. Even leave scars.

Many people consider the mistakes they make as fire and the pain they go through after that as after burns. I used to think the same way too until I recall the barb wire story. Most of the times, there is a warning before we head into our mistakes. No mistakes is made without warnings before it. Can you remember a time where you plunge into something where your conscience did not "told you so?" You can't. Even the worse most profane state of being can be traced all the way back to small promptings in the heart bearing sigmas that says you will be bitten by a snake if you go that way.
A barb wire has its specific purpose. It is made to prevent people from entering into a certain premise whether for personal reasons or public reasons. (this case we shall be bias and only consider only public reasons) I believe there is always a warning to life's mistakes. Not one instance ever was there where I cannot trace the state of being of where I am to an instance where I dismiss the most subtle of warnings that has been presented to me.
So what does this reminds me of? Being faithful with little. Many people I know of seems to find that when problems comes, they instantly get big. Like as though life is some anime / Ultraman monster who can grow at will. The bible says, unless we are faithful in the small, we cannot be faithful in the big. Applying it. Do you notice how when you start doing something (anything) as time goes by, the doing increases and the "skill" or "quantity" increases. So from doing something small, we become doing something big but in the same area. In that way, as we make mistakes with the smallest aspects of life, it does not escalates to something big. It snowballs as we push it slowly, slowly. Slowly... till we find ourselves ran over by the snowball.
Honestly. How does this starts? With us wanting to do the big and neglect the small. Ever wish to fast forward time into another space? That is because we have gotten sick of the mundane small things we do. Unknowingly, we neglect it and rush on to the bigger game. Once again, why again. Pride. The mother of all sins as my teachers have told me. Pride brings its guns out. And humanity falls apart. Look around and see everyone seeking for people who are open minded. Open minded means accepting 2 sides of the stories equally then taking sides. ie: I accept your premise I reject your conclusion. To this day, I have not found anyone my age who has told me that same words despite how many times I have done it for them. I in fact am a very prideful person. Enough in fact to say I am an opinionated open minded person. We all see each others flaws and problems. Curiously, the reason to this is simple. What we see is a simple construction of a mirror as to half of what we are. All the flaws of what we see in another is actually a reflection of a monster that hides in us. You might then say, I have never committed infidelity, murder, incest, treason or any terrible sins. Now, I look back at you and ask you. Are you not capable of entertaining those thoughts? For each capability, we do not know how depraved we are until we entered that ground. We are indeed all monsters.

So hopeless it sounds, but is it really? Yesterday again I was reminded "Why do we fall? So we can pick ourselves up again." True, but flawful in its explanation. We do not pick ourselves up.When one falls in real life, one is rolling. One allows another to pick him up. That to you, is the true destruction of pride and maturities high road.

Grace

Romans 5: 20-21
"Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Have you ever committed a sin that even you yourself could not pardon let alone any of your peers who then recognises you? The guilt that stays even after having received forgiveness is so heavy at times especially when memories of our terrible indulgence returns. I have had that before. It didn't just affected my walk with God and association with other Christians, it affected me in every way. My deepest darkest desire is to learn a spell that can help me erase my own memory. Of what memory would I like to vanquish? A lot.

I realised the period of time when one gets hit hardest by the painful guilt  ridden memories are during the twilight hours. the more tired the body is, the rest resistance there is available to mentally comfort oneself even while knowing that the price has been paid. The more sleepless anyone gets, the more the "ideas" gets harmful. If anyone has insomnia, this would be the worse opponent to face on a sleepless night. It ranks up there with spiritual battle against demonic attacks.

This is a testimony /dream of Joshua Harris which he added to his famous book I kiss dating goodbye. I summarised it to bring out only the points I want touched on. Picture yourself as Joshua in this story would be best

Joshua walked into a room. The room as he begin to analise the room is a room that keeps his life records to the smallest details. One of the books he saw was his records of all the crushes he had ever had in his entire life. He was horrified to see how long the list stretched. It was a book! At the same time, he was amazed at the details that was put into the construction of this place. Nothing was left out. It was scary that nothing was left hidden and at the same time amazing that nothing was not recorded. As he walked around looking at the many books kept, he saw another book, times he gotten angry with his parents. He opened it and read it. Instantly memories of all the events flushes back into his mind. Everything was so clear. so detail. And at the end of each account was signed his name with his signature. Proof that it was he who had completed the conduct. The book was not 1 that was light either. Instantly. Like the snap of his fingers. The biggest horror that could hit his mind came. Lustful sin. Where is that book. He browsed around. And found the thickest book in the whole room. It was so old and heavy. Everything was there. No stone not moved. And at the end of each event was his signature. Instantly fear griped him. No one. NO ONE must ever see this room. No one can ever know of this place. Everything about this room must be destroyed. No one can know what kind of life he had led. Like and instant, an animalistic nature came over him and he started wrecking everything about him. destroying all the records at his best. Smashing up the whole room. As he turned around to lock the room, he realised there was no lock to the room. Worse. As he turned around, he realised the room had reverted to what it originally was. Depiction of you cannot change your past. Broken and lost, he dropped to the floor. Feeling as though his life has left him, he felt someone was about to enter the room. Worse moment would be for him to witness someone entering the room. Defeated, he turned around to see who is it. Of all the person. The one he wished to not appear. Jesus. Not him of all people. He sat silent as he watch Jesus walked over to the books. Picked each one of them and read them. Especially accounts of all his darkest sins. Jesus picked those books and read through them. Josh was already in tears. When Jesus finished reading them all, he walked over to Josh, hugged him and cried with him. After that, Jesus went over to all the books. AND SIGNED ALL OF THEM. All that was left for Joshua to do was to continue from the blank pages.

Everytime I read this story. Even as I am typing it now, tears always fill my eyes. Especially the part where Jesus walked up to Josh and hugged him. We want forgiveness for sin but we do not dare to ask for it. For the worse sins we have committed, it is so terrible that even we ourselves cannot forgive ourselves. But at the same time, we do not want to lose whatever companionship that has been given to us. Especially Love relationships. As a result, we try to destroy that room only to realise that the past can never be destroyed. In despair we fall to our knees lost and waiting for death. The benefit of this story is, Jesus is real and he did read everyone of our accounts. Worse than read. He watched us commit them. But he still wants to hug us share our sorrow and acknowledge our will for repentance. The only thing standing between you and him is your ego. I dropped mine. Will you drop yours?

Reference
New Spirit Filled Life Bible. (NKJV) Thomas Nelson, Inc.2002
I kiss dating goodbye. Joshua Harris, Multnomah Publishers, Inc 1997

pleasant thoughts

Soon - Brooke Fraser

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Roped in righteousness, and crowned with love
When I see him I shall be made like him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I will be going
to the place he has prepared for me
There my sin erased, my shamed forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the one I love
With unveiled face I will see him
There my soul will be satisified
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
see the procession
the angels and the elders round the throne
at his feet i will lay crown my worship
Soon and very soon

though I have not seen him
my heart knows him well
Jesus Christ the lamb the lord of heaven

Every time I sing this song, I think of my own father (earthly). When I was young I love to jump onto him in bed and ask him to draw something. Somehow, despite his busy schedule and tiredness after work, he always found time to draw whatever I request. The time I spend in his presence was so enjoyable that nothing can come close to replace it. Whether it is the part of him enjoying drawing what I request or whether it is the part of him admiring the progress of my drawings, I never knew which he delighted in. Probably both. But I do know he delighted in me greatly. Because of this, relating to a heavenly father was no trouble at all. If anything, I can presume I was born in a home everyone dream of.
This post I guess is not complete if I do not talk of the relationship of mine with my heavenly father. From here, it is not hard to imagine this. God himself sitting on a stool beckoning to me to show him my drawings so he can appreciate them and frame them up on his own wall like how my own dad always tell me. And that being just the beginning as God can appreciate me for even more than how I draw.

my worship

As I was worshiping today in church. In fact. When I worship in church. I always have to play a constant battle of focus against my mind. To set my mind clear and focus on only bringing praise to the one being that I am worshiping and not let my mind wonder. If anything, it has been and remains a difficult task since so many things though does not demands worship and adoration, will request attention which leads to adoration and soon, subtle worship. Is it a frustrating thing? Very. I realised, the older I get, the more of these things starts to pile up, the harder worshiping God gets. Releasing ones self to worship properly gets harder and harder. And when one is not careful, one gets so easily caught up in ones own self that one forgets how to adore another and becomes less selfish then forgetting the art of worship- losing ones self.
When I was younger, I had this practice. Every time, before each worship session, I will pray and ask God to forgive me of all my transgressions first. That time, I had an inferiority complex of myself, coupled with the view point that I am a horridly sinful person who can never be accepted before God. Now that I have learned forgiveness, the new problem of remembering the importance of such practice comes. Forgetting who we really are. Forgetting who we are worshiping and what the demand really is. And forgetting what level of performance is required.
I found from worship a lot of foundations to who God, my relationship with God really is. Though it was a small small start, it was enough to help me understand what God really is like and what my relationship with him really is like. I understood to the most minor point of Gods sovereignty. Which was the reason why he deserves worship. Then I felt the love that comes with the presence of his as he comes to be worship, though it was the most superficial form that I have ever felt from him. Nothing beats the quiet times that I have with him in my own room now. Worship also thought me how God hates sin and how sin affects me. I always struggle to worship God with sin affecting me. Especially I done something that I have had a long term struggle with. Those would be the days that my worship mood would suffer the most. Finally, I learned how God is concerned about my well being by lifting my damped and blue mood every time during worship. Those of you who knows me to a more personal level would probably know I am a form of quiet melancholic choleric person. Though you might not see it, I can actually understand emotions of people to a whole new level especially when God reviews it. Thus expressing myself was also something learned during worship. I never really was a person good with reading emotions or expressing them myself. Only from being completely open with God (afterall, keeping the knowledge that there is no hiding anything from him.)
Worship is a process of entertaining God at multiple stages. If you look at it carefully, you will notice that it is not a monotonous program of a single agenda. It is like a theater where performers comes out at different stages to impress. Worship in my opinion should be regarded as the same. You have to impress God on different levels of performance.
As I ponder on it alone, I wonder if God would unite me with a person who worships similarly to the way I would. Reading the words from Joshua Harris's book, worship as a couple orchestrated differently from how a single would, I actually found myself looking forward to it each time I think about it though I know much better than ever that now I should enjoy singlehood to its best, probably because it is one stage of worship I have never experience before. No doubt challenging in its own way.