heart

One of the hardest things to guard. I always dread my heart. Making me cannot sleep at wee hours in the night. My biggest and most common cry is expressed in the song "still". How I wish at times, I can just shut my head in and not think of anything else but what I need to be thinking off. Then again... what I need can be a very subjective thing to my own knowledge for I am not infinite to know what I really need. So frustrating this walk of not knowing what is coming next.

I don't know of anyone other than myself who have actually cried out to God, please, please please take away my feelings. I don't want to have emotions. Only you alone knows how great my struggle are with my emotions. On one hand, trusting them are my greatest assets, and on the other hand, trusting them have been also my greatest burden, and down fall.

I have a love hate relationship with a lot of things. Ok. that's a very strong line to pull. More like... Mix feelings about many things. For example, I do like the auto correct on the iphone because typing becomes a lot more like lazy man's work. All it needs is for the computer to get what I am trying to tell it. Whereas on the other hand, a lot of times, it ended up sending things I did not intended for it to because it auto corrected the words to something else. Especially slangs and phases of Malaysia I use. Likewise, emotions.  I need them to please God or else, I might not even know if I am loving someone or not. On the other hand, I do not want my emotions because when I go up, up, up, I tend to not notice things so well. Whereas, if I go down down down, i become very very unproductive. Having it is really a pain. PAIN IN THE ASS.

One of the things God convicted me of again is the love for singlehood. Do I really love singlehood? Or I am trying to get away from loneliness. So much mix feelings about it when Relationships with girls I really desire for starts coming my way and I do not know what to do about it. Really.. really... if only I have more skills in separating my emotions... I can definitely make a better rational decision. God help me.... Slap this heart.