Dear God
Recently this new job that you have given me is proving to be too difficult for my own capabilities.
What is this new responsibility of a leader that you require of me? Why is it so large and yet I am so small? What are you trying to show here? All glory do I give to you, I regard not all my ways and always have been diligently seeking your delightful plan day by day. Day by day I strive to find joy and fulfillment in you as I pursue what I believe to be your purpose.
Oh dear God. I have always prayed show me your desire and your will. Help me love it, help me desire it, and help me do it. Why is it now that you have helped me desire it, but not help me love it or do it.
as a leader.. what do I do? what do I say? All these lines to juggle. so much to watch out for. Tangibles.. Intangibles...
Day and night I kneel before you seeking you for guidance. Day and night I stand before you providing an account of the people you left into my care. All I have desired have never been personal gain. All have been in the interest of you. I personally have stood in the face of my own personal desires and renounce them. Yet why God after I have sacrifice so much, you reward me with little?
The delights my heart desires. Have I not renounced them so I could obtain your pleasing will? Yet why do you prosper my enemies. Bring delightful women into their lives. Bring failure into my life. Shame to my face. And have my enemies mock me? My enemies laugh at your clause. They mock your ways! While I have never left you. Look at them laugh at me while I worship you. Look at them laugh at me when I practice your law. They stand before me asking where are you. Where is your God. Why would he care. They question your hate for sin! They question your desire for diligence! They have their head held high above the ground and in the sky! Oh lord look how they prosper!
Speak o God. Tell me where displeases you with the job I have done. Tell me what better results could have been produced given the current capabilities that you have given me. Have me listen, and I will repent! Have me hear, for I am not deaf. Here you find me on my knees desiring only for you. Rebuke me so I can see what your delightful plan is! .....
......
So that I do not remain blind and deaf
I guess it all goes back to the same old question at the end of the day. God.. Where do you want me to be. What do you want me to be. How do you want me to be.
And what will you have me do now?
If you will have it be that I am the elected leader of appointment ordained by you, then don't leave me here. I don't know what to do. I don't know who is for me, and who is not. I know I long for a partner so badly already for I see so much insufficiency in myself but yet so much that requires detailed, delicate full attention. Still you require that I find fullness in you. Neither has your calling ever lessen. You will not hear of it that your plans be short changed. You will never bear it that I do not fulfill a single task of your glorious plan. For you know that your ways alone can prosper me. Your ways alone brings life and without you I am doom.
When all forsake me o God, where will you be?
Dear God I need you
your distressed servant
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