Grace

Romans 5: 20-21
"Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound. But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

Have you ever committed a sin that even you yourself could not pardon let alone any of your peers who then recognises you? The guilt that stays even after having received forgiveness is so heavy at times especially when memories of our terrible indulgence returns. I have had that before. It didn't just affected my walk with God and association with other Christians, it affected me in every way. My deepest darkest desire is to learn a spell that can help me erase my own memory. Of what memory would I like to vanquish? A lot.

I realised the period of time when one gets hit hardest by the painful guilt  ridden memories are during the twilight hours. the more tired the body is, the rest resistance there is available to mentally comfort oneself even while knowing that the price has been paid. The more sleepless anyone gets, the more the "ideas" gets harmful. If anyone has insomnia, this would be the worse opponent to face on a sleepless night. It ranks up there with spiritual battle against demonic attacks.

This is a testimony /dream of Joshua Harris which he added to his famous book I kiss dating goodbye. I summarised it to bring out only the points I want touched on. Picture yourself as Joshua in this story would be best

Joshua walked into a room. The room as he begin to analise the room is a room that keeps his life records to the smallest details. One of the books he saw was his records of all the crushes he had ever had in his entire life. He was horrified to see how long the list stretched. It was a book! At the same time, he was amazed at the details that was put into the construction of this place. Nothing was left out. It was scary that nothing was left hidden and at the same time amazing that nothing was not recorded. As he walked around looking at the many books kept, he saw another book, times he gotten angry with his parents. He opened it and read it. Instantly memories of all the events flushes back into his mind. Everything was so clear. so detail. And at the end of each account was signed his name with his signature. Proof that it was he who had completed the conduct. The book was not 1 that was light either. Instantly. Like the snap of his fingers. The biggest horror that could hit his mind came. Lustful sin. Where is that book. He browsed around. And found the thickest book in the whole room. It was so old and heavy. Everything was there. No stone not moved. And at the end of each event was his signature. Instantly fear griped him. No one. NO ONE must ever see this room. No one can ever know of this place. Everything about this room must be destroyed. No one can know what kind of life he had led. Like and instant, an animalistic nature came over him and he started wrecking everything about him. destroying all the records at his best. Smashing up the whole room. As he turned around to lock the room, he realised there was no lock to the room. Worse. As he turned around, he realised the room had reverted to what it originally was. Depiction of you cannot change your past. Broken and lost, he dropped to the floor. Feeling as though his life has left him, he felt someone was about to enter the room. Worse moment would be for him to witness someone entering the room. Defeated, he turned around to see who is it. Of all the person. The one he wished to not appear. Jesus. Not him of all people. He sat silent as he watch Jesus walked over to the books. Picked each one of them and read them. Especially accounts of all his darkest sins. Jesus picked those books and read through them. Josh was already in tears. When Jesus finished reading them all, he walked over to Josh, hugged him and cried with him. After that, Jesus went over to all the books. AND SIGNED ALL OF THEM. All that was left for Joshua to do was to continue from the blank pages.

Everytime I read this story. Even as I am typing it now, tears always fill my eyes. Especially the part where Jesus walked up to Josh and hugged him. We want forgiveness for sin but we do not dare to ask for it. For the worse sins we have committed, it is so terrible that even we ourselves cannot forgive ourselves. But at the same time, we do not want to lose whatever companionship that has been given to us. Especially Love relationships. As a result, we try to destroy that room only to realise that the past can never be destroyed. In despair we fall to our knees lost and waiting for death. The benefit of this story is, Jesus is real and he did read everyone of our accounts. Worse than read. He watched us commit them. But he still wants to hug us share our sorrow and acknowledge our will for repentance. The only thing standing between you and him is your ego. I dropped mine. Will you drop yours?

Reference
New Spirit Filled Life Bible. (NKJV) Thomas Nelson, Inc.2002
I kiss dating goodbye. Joshua Harris, Multnomah Publishers, Inc 1997